Limits and Capabilities

All month long, I’ve been thinking hard about what to write for this month’s blog post, and nothing was  coming to me naturally like it usually does. I didn’t want to write the cliché end-of-the-year-reflection post, but I wanted something to sort of wrap up my 2016. My friend Holly suggested that I just start writing about not being able to come up with something to write about and a topic would arise from my frustrated rant. She was right.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself this year, it’s what I am capable of and what my limits are. I tend to push myself to my limits, and often beyond them, which can be quite stressful. This year I pushed myself so far past my limits so many times, that I ended up discovering the toll my anxiety truly takes on me, such as these fun little things called panic attacks. From this, I learned that sometimes it’s okay to admit that I’m not okay and confide in others for help, even when it’s hard. When I feel as if I’m at my breaking point, I take a step back and a deep breath and let myself unwind with the help of friends, books, and video games.

On the flip side, sometimes I tend to hold myself back and not allow myself to reach my full potential. It’s simple: I don’t give myself enough credit. People have always told me that I can do anything I put my mind to, but I never really listened to them. This year I have learned that I am extremely independent, relentlessly determined (which often translates to stubbornness), and a lot more intelligent and creative than I give myself credit for. My professors these past two semesters have taught me that while my writing is not perfect (because there is no such thing as a “finished” piece) it is a good foundation to build off of. They have also taught me that if I want to write good stuff, I have to take the time to write good stuff and not procrastinate until the sun comes up on the due date. If I truly want to pursue a “writing career,” I have to get used to putting in the work required to “make it.”

That being said, I want to write a bit about where I stand as far as my writing is concerned. I have adopted a new love for poetry this year, reading and writing it. My poetry typically stems from a moment of overwhelming emotion, and when I’m writing it, I’m writing it for me, not for the purpose of publishing someday. This can be both good and bad. I become too attached to these poems and start to believe that they are perfect the way they are and don’t need any editing, but that’s just not realistic. No poem is perfect, and no poem is ever truly finished because every poem can benefit from improvements.

Another form of writing I have come to enjoy is memoirs and personal essays. Over the course of the last two semesters, I have read a lot of these types of writings, and it reminds me of these blog posts I write. I have a lot of fun writing these, and I’ve been thinking about putting them into a collection of sorts someday, perhaps for publication. I’m not sure how that will work out or if people will even care what I have to say, but it’s just a thought.

While 2016 was a rough year for me (and many celebrities as well), I can’t help but try and look on the bright side. I experienced many firsts this year, felt the devastating blow of a couple of heartbreaks, and finally figured out what it means to reach one’s full potential. Thanks for the inspiration 2016, but it’s time to say goodbye.

Dependence

People need other people.

It’s a simple fact of life, but in stressful times, it can’t be a hard concept to grasp. I recently read a book called If You Feel Too Much by Jamie Tworkowski (the founder of the organization To Write Love On Her Arms). The entire book is centered around depending on other people and letting other people depend on you.

In light of recent events, I wanted to share a few quotes from this book and expound upon them a bit. Hopefully they help.

“It is a choice to love people. It is a choice to be kind. It is a choice to be patient, to be honest, to live with grace. I would like to start making better choices.”

It is not always easy to be kind to people, especially if they have wronged you in some way. But we have to remember that everyone is fighting their own battles, and everyone is struggling in their own way. We have to be patient and understanding with one another in order to receive kindness in return.

“You will need other people, and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living breathing screaming invitation to believe better things.”

Sometimes we feel so lost and hopeless and we need someone to be there to hold us and pick up the pieces. But sometimes someone else needs us to do the same for them. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, and don’t be afraid to be the light in someone else’s life.

“Our job is to love people. When it hurts. When it’s awkward. When it’s uncool and embarrassing. Our job is to stand together, to carry the burdens of one another, and to meet one another in our questions.”

This quote feels especially important today of all days. People are afraid of this man that now has so much power over our great nation. People quite literally fear for their lives and want to run away. But we cannot let our fears control us. We have to stand together as a country, accept that this is the way it is now, and move forward. We have to unite in our differences and make this country a safe place for all to live.

And finally, I want to end by combining a few quotes that really hone in on the point I’m trying to make here.

“It’s easy to be a critic, easy to tear things down, easy to be blind. It’s a braver thing to build, to create, and to surprise. I know it feels important to spend a lot of time alone right now, but don’t forget to lean on people too. If your heart is broken, it’s okay to say your heart is broken. If you feel as if you feel too much, well then you are not alone.”

Life After College

Person: What’s your major?

Me: Creative writing.

Person: That’s cool! What are you going to do with that?

Me: I don’t know.

This is how the average conversation about my college career goes. When I say that I don’t know what I plan to do with my degree, people usually laugh uncomfortably as if they think I’m joking. The thing is, I’m not. I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do once I graduate college. That’s really scary.

I have big dream, which I’ve never told anyone before, so you heard it here first. I want to move to Austin, Texas because, though I’ve only been there once, I absolutely love that city with all my heart. I found myself very at home there. In order to pay the rent, I would get a job at an Alamo, just so I’m in a familiar environment and doing something I already know and am good at. Then I would start looking into jobs at publishing companies, newspapers, and other things within my field of study. I realize that Austin is a long ways away from my friends and family, but I honestly think I could do it. I’m a very independent person, and I can handle being alone for long periods of time. Plus, moving to a city where I know no one will force me to finally break out of my shell and try new things in order to meet people and expand my horizons. Besides, I probably won’t live there for that long; I’ve always envisioned my kids being raised in Nebraska. So that’s my big dream.

Realistically, I’ll probably continue to work a basic, minimum wage job, maybe get an internship with the Omaha World Herald if I can. I don’t really like journalistic writing that much, but I’m good at it, so why not. Since I’ll have time, I’ll write more poetry and work on one of the billions of stories I’ve started but never had time to finish over the years. Maybe I’ll finally get my inspiration for my first novel. I kind of want to be in charge of social media or web content or something at a company, but I’m not really sure how to get into that or if it’s even a real job. I just know it’s something I like and am good at.  

I used to think of “after college” and “when I graduate” as something far away in the future. But if I stay on track with my classes, that could be a year and a half from now. That’s not just really scary, that’s terrifying. But it’s also really exciting. I’ll be starting a new chapter of my life, one that doesn’t involve staying up until 2am writing a paper that I should have done earlier but didn’t because I decided to play video games or watch YouTube videos instead. While the future scares me a lot, I also can’t wait to see what’s in store for me next. 

Connected

Prepare yourselves for a very music lyric-heavy blog post (mostly twenty one pilots…okay, entirely twenty one pilots).

Sometimes it’s hard to get people to truly understand the way you feel. Emotions are often too complex to be fully comprehended. They aren’t one-dimensional, and they can’t be boiled down to one simple explanation. Twenty one pilots said, “A kitchen sink to you is not a kitchen sink to me.” Sad, angry, frustrated, happy, excited, nervous. All of these emotions mean something different to each individual person on this planet.

A lot of the time, we look for anchors to tie us down to our emotions, to make them easier for us to connect to and understand. One thing that many people attach themselves to is music. I’ve always had a love for music, but that love has spiked dramatically over the last two years. I’ve stopped caring about what other people think about my music taste. I no longer listen to songs or pretend to like certain artists just to impress people.

Instead, I now use music as a way to explain my emotions to others. Knowing that someone else felt the same way that I feel now and then felt compelled to write a song about it is an incredible feeling. Every once in a while, it’s nice to be reminded that we are not alone, and music does just that. “Shadows will scream that I’m alone, but I know we’ve made it this far, kid.”

One band in particular that has helped me ward off a few bad emotions is twenty one pilots. Josh Dun and Tyler Joseph have changed my life in more ways than I can count. Up until I discovered their little two-man band from Ohio, I had never felt such a strong connection to music before. I don’t just hear the lyrics, I feel them. “If it wasn’t for this music, I don’t know how I would’ve fought this.”

Their songs remind me that I am not alone. They have taught me to take my pain and channel it into something better, something bigger than myself. From them, I have learned that I am better than my anxiety, I just have to believe in myself. Tomorrow is a new day, so wake up, jump out of bed, and get going. “The sun will rise, and we will try again.”

I’m going to end with some lyrics from my favorite twenty one pilots song, hands down. I feel so powerful when I listen to this song, and hearing it live this past summer lit a fire deep within me. I can’t say these boys saved my life, but I can say that they have changed it for the better.  

“Fight it. Take the pain, ignite it. Tie a noose around your mind, loose enough to breathe fine and tie it, to a tree, tell it “You belong to me. This ain’t a noose this is a leash, and I have news for you, you must obey me.”

Monetary Memories

I’ve been given a lot of incredible opportunities in my life, and I am very grateful for that. But it’s not like they’ve just been handed over to me. When I traveled to South Carolina to meet my best friend for the first time, I had to save up a lot of money for that and put in a lot of hours at a job I did not enjoy. When I took a spontaneous road trip to Indiana with my best friend, I was basically broke afterwards. When I drove 14 hours to Texas for a convention this summer, I scraped the bottom of my piggy bank and found the money to make it happen.

I firmly believe that life is what you make it. If you sit around and say that you wish things were different or more exciting, you’re only making yourself more miserable than you need to be. I remember nearly everyone in my high school graduating class saying that they couldn’t wait to get out of Omaha. I didn’t necessarily feel that way, and I think it’s because I like to seek out new things to do and places to explore. This town may not be New York City, but it’s far from boring if you can open your eyes a little wider.

As I’m sure many of you know, I am a bit of a concert goer. I enjoy going to concerts and traveling to different cities. These events can cost quite a bit. Will I probably be in a fair amount of debt after college? Yes. Will I have to live at my parents’ house for a while until I can get a stable income? Probably. But one thing I can say for sure is that I will never regret the money I spent on trips and concerts and other adventures. Because those are the adventures that make a life. Those are the things that keep life interesting and exciting and worthwhile.

So next time someone criticizes me for spending too much money on “fun things,” I’ll tell them that I don’t care what they think. I’m making memories that will become stories that I tell to my kids and grand-kids and maybe even great grand-kids. I’m doing my best every day to live life to the fullest. It may not always be cheap, but it sure is a hell of a lot of fun. 

Friendship is Hard

Here’s the truth: being a friend really sucks sometimes. I know that sounds harsh, but come on, you’ve all thought this at one time or another.

As I’ve grown in my existing friendships and made some new ones, I’ve learned that being a friend is quite literally a full time job. You have to listen to their problems and absorb them as your own, comfort them, and give them advice. All while trying to manage your own problems as well. It can get a bit overwhelming and exhausting to say the least, and it can be quite the load to carry.

I don’t mean to toot my own horn or anything, but I like to think I’m a pretty good friend. I’ve been told I give good advice and always know exactly what to say. But since I carry the weight of all my friends’ problems on my shoulders, I tend to bottle up my own and shove them aside until I eventually burst. I think this is one of the reasons why my anxiety has gotten so bad over the years. I’ve gotten so good at absorbing everyone else’s emotions and troubles that I’ve forgotten how to release my own.

What happens when the shoulder to cry on needs a shoulder to cry on? There are very few people that I can fully trust and tell all my thoughts and worries to. In fact, there may not be anyone I have completely opened up to. It’s a tough thing to do, especially when life has led me to believe that people are not who you think they are and pretty much no one can be trusted. I’m not saying that I don’t trust my friends, but some things are simply difficult to talk about. That’s why I like keeping a journal; it’s a good place to jot down my thoughts in order to try and make some sense of them.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends to death and would do anything for them, but sometimes I just want to take a vacation, you know? I want to pack my bags and leave it all in the dust so I don’t have to worry about worrying about them. Being a friend is stressful, plain and simple. But also, it can be very rewarding. You have someone to share laughs with, someone to tag along to concerts and sporting events, someone who knows you like no other, and maybe even more than you know yourself sometimes.

Being a friend really sucks sometimes, but it’s also a hell of a lot of fun. 

Anxiety

First things first, I debated about whether or not to post this for a long time. I don’t usually like to talk about my super personal problems if I can avoid it. But I realized that sharing this with everyone is exactly what I need to do right now. So here it goes.

I have anxiety.

I used to think I was just shy and awkward, nothing more than that. A mental illness was not something I was capable of having. It happened to other people.

The thing about anxiety is that you know it’s stupid. You know with all your heart that it isn’t a big deal and you shouldn’t worry about it. But that’s when the disorder kicks in. Suddenly that very small thing is very big. It keeps growing in your head, flooding your chest, and trying to escape from under your skin. You know with all of your heart that you’re being ridiculous and you hate every minute of it.

When I got my first job, I assumed that crying on my way to work and feeling like I was about to throw up was just normal nervousness. I thought I was just being dramatic. Then it kept happening. For over a year. I still didn’t think anything of it. Surely this happens to everyone. Surely it’s perfectly normal.

At my first job, I was given every opportunity to advance in the company, or at least move to a different department. But I never took the chance because I was too afraid of messing something up. I didn’t see the value of my own potential. And now the same thing is happening at my current job. I don’t want to follow the same pattern as last time, but I don’t know how to overcome it.

I used to think that the feeling of dread I had when thinking about hanging out with people (even my close friends) was nothing to worry about. I used to think that it was fine that I wanted to spend most of my time alone rather than go to football games or other social events with my friends. I just liked being alone, and what could be so wrong about that?

But then I started noticing little things, like how my hands would shake uncontrollably for no reason (or so I thought) and my heart would start to race. Looking back, I realize that this only ever happened when I felt nervous or anxious or uncomfortable about something. But at the time, I didn’t think it was a big deal.

Then I got my first boyfriend. Everything was great, but I never felt like I could speak about my personal issues face-to-face with him, or with anyone for that matter. So I hid behind my phone and resorted to expressing my emotions through Tumblr and Facebook messenger instead. This is what I believe led to the ultimate downfall of our relationship, the reason I ended it.

I have anxiety. But more specifically, I have what is called a social phobia. It is often very difficult for me to speak to people, especially for long periods of time. Most people may not be able to tell I have it because I can talk fairly normally to people I am comfortable around. It just takes a while for me to get out of my own head and open up to them.

I can accept that this is the way I am, but that doesn’t mean I’m okay with it. In fact, I hate that I’ve let it control my life. More than anything, I want to be able to turn it off, lock it up, throw away the key, and never deal with it again. But that’s not very realistic. It’s something I’m going to have to work at. I’m just not sure how yet.

A New Hope

I've written a blog post about change on here before, but I've been thinking about it a lot more lately, and I have some new insights I wanted to share. 

“Life changes fast.

Life changes in the instant.

You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.”

-Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

I think people generally tend to believe that change is something that happens over time. I used to think this way too, but recently I've come to the conclusion that change happens fast; much faster than we expect or want it to.

Every so often I like to take a step back and think about all the changes I’ve gone through in the past year. Not just the external changes (new job, new friends, new hair) but the internal changes as well.

I feel like I’m a completely different person than I was a year ago. I know people say that all the time, but I honestly mean it. I can feel a change in the way I think, the way I talk, and the way I act, and I think it’s because of the people I surround myself with. Change is a scary thing, especially when you’re the one being changed, but it can also be a really fascinating thing as well.

For one, I feel like I have a new perspective on life. I used to be more glass-half-empty, always seeing things in a negative light and feeling doomed. But now I tend to try to look on the bright side of things and find the good in a bad situation. While I may still complain a lot and wallow in self-pity every now and then, I keep reminding myself that things will get better. Life is a crazy roller coaster. There are going to be highs, and there are going to be lows. If you let yourself sit and stew in the low and don’t do anything to dig yourself out of it, you’re not going to get anywhere. But if you can recognize that you have been at a low before and gotten out of it, then you are already in the right mindset to bring yourself back up to the high. It may take more time than you want it to, but patience is key.

I can also sense a difference in my level of maturity. Now that I’ve been living away from home for almost two years, I’ve had to do a lot of things on my own. I’m responsible for buying groceries, cooking meals, cleaning, getting to class on time, and managing my money, just to name a few. While it’s fun being an adult and doing “adulty things,” it can also be stressful. Sometimes I don’t have time in my busy work and school schedule to clean the bathroom or go to the store, so I end up with a dirty toilet and no food in the fridge. It’s been difficult to balance my new adult life with my desire to remain young, but I think I’m doing a pretty good job.

Unfortunately, not all of the change has been beneficial. Over the course of my two years in college, my anxiety has only gotten worse. I often fear social situations where I have to talk to multiple people, and I avoid confrontation pretty much at all costs. It has even affected my relationships with people, and it is now to the point where it affects me physically. Sometimes I get shaky and my heart beats rapidly and my thoughts are racing so fast I can hardly keep up with them. This is something I want to work on, and I think I’m starting to find my anchor through my writing.

I’ve gone through a lot of changes in the past year alone, and while not all of them are positive, I believe that I am creating the person I know I can be: someone who is strong-willed, confident in her abilities, not afraid to take risks, and above all, kind. 

Forced Beliefs

For those of you who may not know, I am Lutheran. I grew up going to church on Sundays mornings, Wednesday nights in Lent, and every special occasion. I went through Sunday school, confirmation, and senior high youth group. Personally, I always felt like I was sort of forced to go and pushed into being religious. It wasn’t until I moved away from home that I started to find my place in my faith life. Once I had the option not to go to church every single Sunday, I just stopped going for a few months. I usually worked Sunday mornings, and if I wasn’t working I was too tired or lazy to get out of bed.

Gradually, I began to miss that part of my life and the people that had become so familiar to me over the years. Without really realizing it, I had become part of a family at my church, and that wasn’t something I was ready to let go of just yet. So I started going every other Sunday or so and reading the Bible a little more. I like to find verses or stories that best help me deal with whatever is troubling me in my life at the moment.

In my younger years, I never really understood what it meant to feel God’s presence and truly know that He is with you. Then I went to work camp in Rochester, Indiana in 2013. After worship one night, everyone was super emotional and some people hung back to reflect. It was then, crying on the cold gym floor, that I heard God’s voice for the first time. I don’t even remember what He said. All I remember is a feeling of relief and reassurance. I knew that no matter how hard things got for me from that moment on, He would be there to make sure I’m okay.

Whenever I start to doubt my faith or wonder why I believe what I believe, I think back to that moment. I may not go to church every Sunday and pray all the time, but it’s not the external things that matter; it’s what you feel inside.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all this, it’s that you can’t force people into religion. It’s just not for everyone. If you push them too far, you may end up making them resent it in the end. Ultimately, if they aren’t open in their mind and heart to receiving it, they won’t get anything out of it. 

Necessary Opposites

In choir, we’re singing this song called “Sing Me to Heaven.” The lyrics are “Touch in me grief and comfort, love and passion, pain and pleasure.” Aside from being beautiful in lyric and in sound, the meaning behind this song really made me think.

There are many things in life that go hand-in-hand; you can’t have one without the other. If it never rains, how can you truly appreciate a sunny day? If you never feel sadness, how can you know what real happiness feels like? Going back to the song lyrics, you need grief in order to really feel comfort, pain in order to really feel pleasure. You can’t have one without the other.

I’ve had a fairly easy life compared to some people I know and compared to the things I hear about in the media. I’ve lost some loved ones along the way and suffered a few wounds to my heart, but all that hurt just makes me appreciate the good times so much more.

I truly do have the most amazing friends in the world. If I had never lived at the dorms at UNO, I never would have worked at Midtown, which is where I met my squaaaaad. My best friend never would have found a guy that makes her happier than I’ve ever seen her. I never would have left Midtown to work at the Alamo, where I’ve met so many more amazing people. This chain of events never fails to blow my mind.

I’ve come a long way in these past 10 months, and I never thought I would be where I am today. I am not the same person in many ways (which scares the hell out of me), but I feel like I’m changing for the better in many ways as well. It’s just nice to know that even when I’m at my lowest point, I can look back and think of the last time I was at my lowest point and remind myself that it really does get better. It might take a while, but it does.

PS- If anyone reading this is alive when I die, I want a choir to sing that song at my funeral.

Mistakes

Maybe this will make me sound a bit pretentious and like I’m trying to be wise beyond my years, but I’ve never seen the point of lingering in the past. Why dwell on something and feel remorse for something you no longer have any control over? You can’t change it, so why let it consume you?

I’m not by any means saying that I never think about things I said or did and wish I hadn’t said or done them, but I at least try my best not to let them overtake me. People make mistakes. People make stupid decisions that they end up regretting later. That’s just a basic fact of life. It can’t be predicted and it can’t be prevented, so why do we make it such a big deal?

Looking back on my life so far, I’m starting to realize that my mistakes happened for a reason. They shaped me into the person I am today, and I’m slowly beginning to accept that person. If I had never made those mistakes, a chain of events may not have happened and I may not be where I am today. It’s crazy to think about just how small you are in the universe, but it’s also crazy to think about just how much one person matters.

Never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. In that single moment, that step you took was in the right direction, and those words you spoke felt just right sliding off your tongue. If you’re constantly looking back, you’ll never be able to see all the good that’s right in front of you.