I've written a blog post about change on here before, but
I've been thinking about it a lot more lately, and I have some new insights I wanted
to share.
“Life changes fast.
Life changes in the
instant.
You sit down to dinner
and life as you know it ends.”
-Joan Didion, The Year
of Magical Thinking
I think people generally tend to believe that change is
something that happens over time. I used to think this way too, but recently
I've come to the conclusion that change happens fast; much faster than we
expect or want it to.
Every so often I like to take a step back and think about
all the changes I’ve gone through in the past year. Not just the external
changes (new job, new friends, new hair) but the internal changes as well.
I feel like I’m a completely different person than I was a
year ago. I know people say that all the time, but I honestly mean it. I can feel a change in the way I think, the
way I talk, and the way I act, and I think it’s because of the people I
surround myself with. Change is a scary thing, especially when you’re the one
being changed, but it can also be a really fascinating thing as well.
For one, I feel like I have a new perspective on life. I
used to be more glass-half-empty, always seeing things in a negative light and
feeling doomed. But now I tend to try to look on the bright side of things and
find the good in a bad situation. While I may still complain a lot and wallow in
self-pity every now and then, I keep reminding myself that things will get
better. Life is a crazy roller coaster. There are going to be highs, and there
are going to be lows. If you let yourself sit and stew in the low and don’t do
anything to dig yourself out of it, you’re not going to get anywhere. But if
you can recognize that you have been at a low before and gotten out of it, then
you are already in the right mindset to bring yourself back up to the high. It
may take more time than you want it to, but patience is key.
I can also sense a difference in my level of maturity. Now
that I’ve been living away from home for almost two years, I’ve had to do a lot
of things on my own. I’m responsible for buying groceries, cooking meals,
cleaning, getting to class on time, and managing my money, just to name a few. While
it’s fun being an adult and doing “adulty things,” it can also be stressful.
Sometimes I don’t have time in my busy work and school schedule to clean the
bathroom or go to the store, so I end up with a dirty toilet and no food in the
fridge. It’s been difficult to balance my new adult life with my desire to
remain young, but I think I’m doing a pretty good job.
Unfortunately, not all of the change has been beneficial. Over
the course of my two years in college, my anxiety has only gotten worse. I
often fear social situations where I have to talk to multiple people, and I
avoid confrontation pretty much at all costs. It has even affected my
relationships with people, and it is now to the point where it affects me
physically. Sometimes I get shaky and my heart beats rapidly and my thoughts
are racing so fast I can hardly keep up with them. This is something I want to
work on, and I think I’m starting to find my anchor through my writing.
I’ve gone through a lot of changes in the past year alone,
and while not all of them are positive, I believe that I am creating the person
I know I can be: someone who is strong-willed, confident in her abilities, not
afraid to take risks, and above all, kind.
