First things first, I debated about whether or not to post
this for a long time. I don’t usually like to talk about my super personal
problems if I can avoid it. But I realized that sharing this with everyone is
exactly what I need to do right now. So here it goes.
I have anxiety.
I used to think I was just shy and awkward, nothing more
than that. A mental illness was not something I was capable of having.
It happened to other people.
The thing about anxiety is that you know it’s stupid. You know
with all your heart that it isn’t a big deal and you shouldn’t worry about it.
But that’s when the disorder kicks in. Suddenly that very small thing is very big.
It keeps growing in your head, flooding your chest, and trying to escape from
under your skin. You know with all of your heart that you’re being ridiculous
and you
hate every minute of it.
When I got my first job, I assumed that crying on my way to
work and feeling like I was about to throw up was just normal nervousness. I
thought I was just being dramatic. Then it kept happening. For over a year. I
still didn’t think anything of it.
Surely this happens to everyone. Surely it’s perfectly normal.
At my first job, I was given every opportunity to advance in
the company, or at least move to a different department. But I never took the
chance because I was too afraid of messing something up. I didn’t see the value
of my own potential. And now the same thing is happening at my current job. I
don’t want to follow the same pattern as last time, but I don’t know how to
overcome it.
I used to think that the feeling of dread I had when thinking
about hanging out with people (even my close friends) was nothing to worry
about. I used to think that it was fine that I wanted to spend most of my time
alone rather than go to football games or other social events with my friends.
I just liked being alone, and what could be so wrong about that?
But then I started noticing little things, like how my hands
would shake uncontrollably for no reason (or so I thought) and my heart would
start to race. Looking back, I realize that this only ever happened when I felt
nervous or anxious or uncomfortable about something. But at the time, I
didn’t think it was a big deal.
Then I got my first boyfriend. Everything was great, but I
never felt like I could speak about my personal issues face-to-face with him,
or with anyone for that matter. So I hid behind my phone and resorted to
expressing my emotions through Tumblr and Facebook messenger instead. This is what
I believe led to the ultimate downfall of our relationship, the reason I ended
it.
I have anxiety. But more specifically, I have what is called a social
phobia. It is often very difficult for me to speak to people,
especially for long periods of time. Most people may not be able to tell I have
it because I can talk fairly normally to people I am comfortable around. It
just takes a while for me to get out of my own head and open up to them.
I can accept that this is the way I am, but that doesn’t
mean I’m okay with it. In fact, I hate that I’ve let it control my life. More
than anything, I want to be able to turn it off, lock it up, throw away the
key, and never deal with it again. But that’s not very realistic. It’s
something I’m going to have to work at. I’m just not sure how yet.
