This is not going to be one of those posts where I say a
bunch of negative things about myself and end with “but I love myself anyway!” This
also isn’t me trying to get attention by saying negative things about myself in
the hopes that people will say nice things about me. This is just me, as raw as
it comes.
I’ve always been one to compare myself to others in every
aspect of my life, but especially when it comes to appearances. No matter how
often people tell me how beautiful I am, I can’t help but think about how there
are people that are prettier than me. Clearer skin, more toned legs, flatter
stomach, more voluminous hair, etc etc etc. I’m trying so hard to love the body
that I’ve been given since I’m lucky enough to be blessed with good health, but
I’m always going to want what I don’t have.
A lot of my poor perception of myself comes from social
media. As much as I hate to admit it because I love them, platforms like
Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook are absolutely terrible for your
mental health. You can get stuck in a loop of checking each one and obsessing
over someone else’s hair, clothes, lifestyle, etc. I do it all the time. Seeing
all these girls on Instagram with their perfect makeup and trim bodies makes me
hate myself to a degree that’s hard to put into words. I know that looks aren’t
everything and they shouldn’t matter, but I’m only human. I try to remind
myself that God made me the way I am for a reason, and that just because I don’t
look like them, doesn’t mean I’m ugly. But reminders only go so far.
I rarely ever post selfies because I rarely ever take a
selfie that lives up to my ridiculously high standards. My smile looks too
forced, one eye is squinting more than the other, there’s a zit on my chin that
no filter can cover up, etc. I can’t help it. I will always be my harshest
critic. I’m trying to run more and lift weights and do some abs, but I don’t
have the mental or physical energy to be consistent enough for it to make a
difference. I would love to be able to accept my body as it is, but as of right
now, I don’t have the mental capacity to do that.
