How has it already been a year since we lost you? I remember
that morning as vividly as if it were yesterday. I was about to leave for class
when I got the text from my friend. I didn’t believe it. I know people say that
all the time when they’re trying to deny something, but I literally didn’t
believe it. My brain couldn’t even comprehend it. I read the text over a dozen
or more times, and then it slowly started to register with me. I crumpled to
the floor and barely felt it when the tears started streaming down my freshly
made up face. Numb.
No matter how much grief I experience in my life, it never
fails to surprise me. I hadn’t seen you since I graduated from high school, 3
years prior, but for some reason, losing you stung more than I thought it
would. I guess it just goes to show that some people stick with you in ways
that maybe you can’t even understand. I’m still trying to understand.
As I reflect over this past year, I think about what it means
to grieve someone over time. I’ve been through all five stages (although I
think I’ll always be struggling with acceptance), so now what?
I will cry today. There will be no shortage of tears shed,
but I will also think about what you mean to me, what you stand for. You were
kind, hilarious, cheerful, and passionate. You were one of the few people in
life who wasn’t afraid to be herself. While these things are hard to be
sometimes, I want to get better at embodying them.
I haven’t told anyone this whole story yet, but part of the
reason I got a daisy for my second tattoo this year is because it stands for
cheerfulness, and it always reminds me of you.
So I guess when I say that I don’t know why losing you hit me
as hard as it did, I’m lying to myself. I know why. You were all of those
things that I aspire to be. You represent a positive part of my high school
experience, a reason I can look back on those years with fondness.
So thank you, Tyler. For being my band buddy. For being my
inspiration. For being my daisy.
