Mental Health Awareness Month- My Story

Since May is mental health awareness month, I want to force myself to be brave and step out of my comfort zone by talking about my own mental health issues in the hope that this will inspire others to be brave as well.

As some of you already know, I struggle a lot with anxiety and depression. Honestly, it’s hard these days to meet someone who doesn’t. My anxiety has gotten worse over the years, really hitting its peak in college. Little things make me irrationally anxious, like not wanting to walk into a building I’ve never been in before because I won’t know where I’m going and I’ll look awkward and people will judge me. Or dreading talking on the phone with someone because I’m afraid I’ll have to ask them to repeat themselves a million times. There are many nights when I would lie awake in bed, consumed by my own thoughts, replaying conversations and interactions from the day over and over in my head, thinking of all the things I could have said or done better. 

Then there are the waves of depression. I like to think I am a generally happy and optimistic person, but sometimes everything just hits me all at once and I can’t stop it. Sometimes I will just feel completely emotionless, losing all interest in my hobbies or talking to people. I just sit and stare blankly at the wall. Sometimes I cry hysterically, but a lot of the time I just feel empty, useless. It’s nearly impossible to pull myself out of these moods.

However, last December, I started taking anti-depressants, and these depressed and empty moods went from several times a week to maybe once a month. All I had to do was ask my doctor if I could try them. I’m not ashamed that I need medicine to make me feel normal. I’ve learned that SO many people take some form of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds. It’s far more common than you’d think. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still have my days when I feel completely lost (usually pertaining to my career goals), alone (even though I know I have friends and family who love me), and trapped (in my own negative thoughts). But instead of staying stuck in these awful moods, the medicine makes it possible for me to get out of them. From there, I use my hobbies (reading, writing, guitar, video games, running, watching YouTube/Netflix) to lift my spirits and give me purpose and hope.

I’m not telling you all of this to gain your sympathy. Rather, I want anyone out there who is struggling with their mental health to know that it can get better. Seeking help is really scary, trust me, I know; it took a lot of courage for me to speak up to my doctor, and even more to publish this blog post. But I can’t tell you enough how glad I am that I did. If you’re too afraid to talk to a doctor, try talking to a trusted friend or family member first. Hell, even message me if you want. Sometimes the small action of just talking about how we feel can help. Do yourself a favor and speak up for yourself. You’ll be glad you did.

Social Media

First off, I want to start by saying that this past February marked 5 years of doing this blog! When I made my first post back in February of 2015, I had no idea how crucial this blog would be to my growth and development as a writer and a person. I have learned a lot about myself through my reflective writing, and I am glad to be able to share it with you all. If you’ve ever reached out to me to tell me how much my writing has impacted you, know that that means more to me than I could possibly put into words. Thank you for sticking with me through the years.

Now, let’s get down to business.

Social media is a blessing and a curse. I love being able to keep up with my friends’ lives and stay in touch with those who no longer live near me. I enjoy sharing my life with people through pictures and posts. However, it’s very easy to fall into the comparison trap that social media often instigates. It can be a really unhealthy addiction and a hard one to break.

This year for Lent, I gave up Facebook and Instagram. For me, those two social media platforms in particular do more harm than good. I would spend hours every day, aimlessly scrolling through them, seeing pictures of everyone else’s seemingly perfect lives and envying them greatly. Deep down, I knew this wasn’t true, that they didn’t have perfect lives; this was just the side they chose to portray to the world. But when you’re in a melancholy state of mind, it’s easy to fall into that trap, and you begin to feel useless, like a failure.

Since I spent hours every day scrolling through each of these apps, I figured I would go through intense withdrawals. The night before Lent began, I laid in bed an anxious mess, rapidly scrolling through the apps in one last frantic attempt to take in as much as I could before I had to give them up. Looking back, I see how ridiculous I must have looked, but in that moment, I was about to give up something that I relied heavily on, my crutch.

However, after a couple of days, I almost completely forgot about Facebook and Instagram. I had deleted the apps from my phone, so I wasn’t receiving notifications. It was like they had been erased from my brain. Sure, every once in a while someone would say to me, “Did you see what so-and-so posted on Facebook?” and I would have to remind them of my hiatus. But overall, I felt liberated and free. It gave me a lot of time to reflect on why I had felt so attached to them in the first place.

Social media can be very deceiving. All too often, people post only what they want others to see. They don’t show their cluttered living room, messy morning hair, or the secrets behind their smile. Yes, it’s true that it’s more fun to share the good parts of our lives, but that leaves our followers with only half of the story, the seemingly perfect half.

I’m not claiming to be exempt from this. In fact, I definitely do it too. If you scroll through my Instagram, you’ll probably see a happy girl who smiles all the time. I hate to break it to you, but that’s just not true. No one smiles all the time; everyone has moments of sadness, but it’s not always easy to open up and talk about the tough times.

But how do you portray these hardships in a pretty photo? The simple truth is that you can’t. In order to share our whole selves with the world, we might have to post about the things that are hard to talk about: depression, anxiety, grief, stress, a disorganized life. I know it’s so much easier to share our triumphs with our followers, but if we share our hardships too, it opens up the door for others to do the same. If there’s anything I’ve learned from writing this blog for the past five years, it’s that people find comfort in hearing that other people are struggling just like they are.

Now, don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not asking you to post about your struggles every day, week, or even month. But every once in a while, take the time to talk about the things in your life that aren’t necessarily going as you planned. Perhaps someone else is going through the same thing, and you can unite together in your struggles, just as humans were designed to do.