Since May is mental health awareness month, I want to
force myself to be brave and step out of my comfort zone by talking about my
own mental health issues in the hope that this will inspire others to be brave
as well.
As some of you already know, I struggle a lot with
anxiety and depression. Honestly, it’s hard these days to meet someone who
doesn’t. My anxiety has gotten worse over the years, really hitting its peak in
college. Little things make me irrationally anxious, like not wanting to walk
into a building I’ve never been in before because I won’t know where I’m going
and I’ll look awkward and people will judge me. Or dreading talking on the
phone with someone because I’m afraid I’ll have to ask them to repeat
themselves a million times. There are many nights when I would lie awake in
bed, consumed by my own thoughts, replaying conversations and interactions from
the day over and over in my head, thinking of all the things I could have said
or done better.
Then there are the waves of depression. I like to think I
am a generally happy and optimistic person, but sometimes everything just hits
me all at once and I can’t stop it. Sometimes I will just feel completely
emotionless, losing all interest in my hobbies or talking to people. I just sit
and stare blankly at the wall. Sometimes I cry hysterically, but a lot of the
time I just feel empty, useless. It’s nearly impossible to pull myself out of
these moods.
However, last December, I started taking
anti-depressants, and these depressed and empty moods went from several times a
week to maybe once a month. All I had to do was ask my doctor if I could try
them. I’m not ashamed that I need medicine to make me feel normal. I’ve learned
that SO many people take some form of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds.
It’s far more common than you’d think.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have my days when I feel
completely lost (usually pertaining to my career goals), alone (even though I
know I have friends and family who love me), and trapped (in my own negative
thoughts). But instead of staying stuck in these awful moods, the medicine
makes it possible for me to get out of them. From there, I use my hobbies
(reading, writing, guitar, video games, running, watching YouTube/Netflix) to
lift my spirits and give me purpose and hope.
I’m not telling you all of this to gain your sympathy.
Rather, I want anyone out there who is struggling with their mental health to
know that it can get better. Seeking help is really scary, trust me, I know; it
took a lot of courage for me to speak up to my doctor, and even more to publish
this blog post. But I can’t tell you enough how glad I am that I did. If you’re
too afraid to talk to a doctor, try talking to a trusted friend or family
member first. Hell, even message me if you want. Sometimes the small action of
just talking about how we feel can help. Do yourself a favor and speak up for yourself.
You’ll be glad you did.
