Friendship is Hard

Here’s the truth: being a friend really sucks sometimes. I know that sounds harsh, but come on, you’ve all thought this at one time or another.

As I’ve grown in my existing friendships and made some new ones, I’ve learned that being a friend is quite literally a full time job. You have to listen to their problems and absorb them as your own, comfort them, and give them advice. All while trying to manage your own problems as well. It can get a bit overwhelming and exhausting to say the least, and it can be quite the load to carry.

I don’t mean to toot my own horn or anything, but I like to think I’m a pretty good friend. I’ve been told I give good advice and always know exactly what to say. But since I carry the weight of all my friends’ problems on my shoulders, I tend to bottle up my own and shove them aside until I eventually burst. I think this is one of the reasons why my anxiety has gotten so bad over the years. I’ve gotten so good at absorbing everyone else’s emotions and troubles that I’ve forgotten how to release my own.

What happens when the shoulder to cry on needs a shoulder to cry on? There are very few people that I can fully trust and tell all my thoughts and worries to. In fact, there may not be anyone I have completely opened up to. It’s a tough thing to do, especially when life has led me to believe that people are not who you think they are and pretty much no one can be trusted. I’m not saying that I don’t trust my friends, but some things are simply difficult to talk about. That’s why I like keeping a journal; it’s a good place to jot down my thoughts in order to try and make some sense of them.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends to death and would do anything for them, but sometimes I just want to take a vacation, you know? I want to pack my bags and leave it all in the dust so I don’t have to worry about worrying about them. Being a friend is stressful, plain and simple. But also, it can be very rewarding. You have someone to share laughs with, someone to tag along to concerts and sporting events, someone who knows you like no other, and maybe even more than you know yourself sometimes.

Being a friend really sucks sometimes, but it’s also a hell of a lot of fun. 

Anxiety

First things first, I debated about whether or not to post this for a long time. I don’t usually like to talk about my super personal problems if I can avoid it. But I realized that sharing this with everyone is exactly what I need to do right now. So here it goes.

I have anxiety.

I used to think I was just shy and awkward, nothing more than that. A mental illness was not something I was capable of having. It happened to other people.

The thing about anxiety is that you know it’s stupid. You know with all your heart that it isn’t a big deal and you shouldn’t worry about it. But that’s when the disorder kicks in. Suddenly that very small thing is very big. It keeps growing in your head, flooding your chest, and trying to escape from under your skin. You know with all of your heart that you’re being ridiculous and you hate every minute of it.

When I got my first job, I assumed that crying on my way to work and feeling like I was about to throw up was just normal nervousness. I thought I was just being dramatic. Then it kept happening. For over a year. I still didn’t think anything of it. Surely this happens to everyone. Surely it’s perfectly normal.

At my first job, I was given every opportunity to advance in the company, or at least move to a different department. But I never took the chance because I was too afraid of messing something up. I didn’t see the value of my own potential. And now the same thing is happening at my current job. I don’t want to follow the same pattern as last time, but I don’t know how to overcome it.

I used to think that the feeling of dread I had when thinking about hanging out with people (even my close friends) was nothing to worry about. I used to think that it was fine that I wanted to spend most of my time alone rather than go to football games or other social events with my friends. I just liked being alone, and what could be so wrong about that?

But then I started noticing little things, like how my hands would shake uncontrollably for no reason (or so I thought) and my heart would start to race. Looking back, I realize that this only ever happened when I felt nervous or anxious or uncomfortable about something. But at the time, I didn’t think it was a big deal.

Then I got my first boyfriend. Everything was great, but I never felt like I could speak about my personal issues face-to-face with him, or with anyone for that matter. So I hid behind my phone and resorted to expressing my emotions through Tumblr and Facebook messenger instead. This is what I believe led to the ultimate downfall of our relationship, the reason I ended it.

I have anxiety. But more specifically, I have what is called a social phobia. It is often very difficult for me to speak to people, especially for long periods of time. Most people may not be able to tell I have it because I can talk fairly normally to people I am comfortable around. It just takes a while for me to get out of my own head and open up to them.

I can accept that this is the way I am, but that doesn’t mean I’m okay with it. In fact, I hate that I’ve let it control my life. More than anything, I want to be able to turn it off, lock it up, throw away the key, and never deal with it again. But that’s not very realistic. It’s something I’m going to have to work at. I’m just not sure how yet.

A New Hope

I've written a blog post about change on here before, but I've been thinking about it a lot more lately, and I have some new insights I wanted to share. 

“Life changes fast.

Life changes in the instant.

You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.”

-Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

I think people generally tend to believe that change is something that happens over time. I used to think this way too, but recently I've come to the conclusion that change happens fast; much faster than we expect or want it to.

Every so often I like to take a step back and think about all the changes I’ve gone through in the past year. Not just the external changes (new job, new friends, new hair) but the internal changes as well.

I feel like I’m a completely different person than I was a year ago. I know people say that all the time, but I honestly mean it. I can feel a change in the way I think, the way I talk, and the way I act, and I think it’s because of the people I surround myself with. Change is a scary thing, especially when you’re the one being changed, but it can also be a really fascinating thing as well.

For one, I feel like I have a new perspective on life. I used to be more glass-half-empty, always seeing things in a negative light and feeling doomed. But now I tend to try to look on the bright side of things and find the good in a bad situation. While I may still complain a lot and wallow in self-pity every now and then, I keep reminding myself that things will get better. Life is a crazy roller coaster. There are going to be highs, and there are going to be lows. If you let yourself sit and stew in the low and don’t do anything to dig yourself out of it, you’re not going to get anywhere. But if you can recognize that you have been at a low before and gotten out of it, then you are already in the right mindset to bring yourself back up to the high. It may take more time than you want it to, but patience is key.

I can also sense a difference in my level of maturity. Now that I’ve been living away from home for almost two years, I’ve had to do a lot of things on my own. I’m responsible for buying groceries, cooking meals, cleaning, getting to class on time, and managing my money, just to name a few. While it’s fun being an adult and doing “adulty things,” it can also be stressful. Sometimes I don’t have time in my busy work and school schedule to clean the bathroom or go to the store, so I end up with a dirty toilet and no food in the fridge. It’s been difficult to balance my new adult life with my desire to remain young, but I think I’m doing a pretty good job.

Unfortunately, not all of the change has been beneficial. Over the course of my two years in college, my anxiety has only gotten worse. I often fear social situations where I have to talk to multiple people, and I avoid confrontation pretty much at all costs. It has even affected my relationships with people, and it is now to the point where it affects me physically. Sometimes I get shaky and my heart beats rapidly and my thoughts are racing so fast I can hardly keep up with them. This is something I want to work on, and I think I’m starting to find my anchor through my writing.

I’ve gone through a lot of changes in the past year alone, and while not all of them are positive, I believe that I am creating the person I know I can be: someone who is strong-willed, confident in her abilities, not afraid to take risks, and above all, kind. 

Forced Beliefs

For those of you who may not know, I am Lutheran. I grew up going to church on Sundays mornings, Wednesday nights in Lent, and every special occasion. I went through Sunday school, confirmation, and senior high youth group. Personally, I always felt like I was sort of forced to go and pushed into being religious. It wasn’t until I moved away from home that I started to find my place in my faith life. Once I had the option not to go to church every single Sunday, I just stopped going for a few months. I usually worked Sunday mornings, and if I wasn’t working I was too tired or lazy to get out of bed.

Gradually, I began to miss that part of my life and the people that had become so familiar to me over the years. Without really realizing it, I had become part of a family at my church, and that wasn’t something I was ready to let go of just yet. So I started going every other Sunday or so and reading the Bible a little more. I like to find verses or stories that best help me deal with whatever is troubling me in my life at the moment.

In my younger years, I never really understood what it meant to feel God’s presence and truly know that He is with you. Then I went to work camp in Rochester, Indiana in 2013. After worship one night, everyone was super emotional and some people hung back to reflect. It was then, crying on the cold gym floor, that I heard God’s voice for the first time. I don’t even remember what He said. All I remember is a feeling of relief and reassurance. I knew that no matter how hard things got for me from that moment on, He would be there to make sure I’m okay.

Whenever I start to doubt my faith or wonder why I believe what I believe, I think back to that moment. I may not go to church every Sunday and pray all the time, but it’s not the external things that matter; it’s what you feel inside.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all this, it’s that you can’t force people into religion. It’s just not for everyone. If you push them too far, you may end up making them resent it in the end. Ultimately, if they aren’t open in their mind and heart to receiving it, they won’t get anything out of it. 

Necessary Opposites

In choir, we’re singing this song called “Sing Me to Heaven.” The lyrics are “Touch in me grief and comfort, love and passion, pain and pleasure.” Aside from being beautiful in lyric and in sound, the meaning behind this song really made me think.

There are many things in life that go hand-in-hand; you can’t have one without the other. If it never rains, how can you truly appreciate a sunny day? If you never feel sadness, how can you know what real happiness feels like? Going back to the song lyrics, you need grief in order to really feel comfort, pain in order to really feel pleasure. You can’t have one without the other.

I’ve had a fairly easy life compared to some people I know and compared to the things I hear about in the media. I’ve lost some loved ones along the way and suffered a few wounds to my heart, but all that hurt just makes me appreciate the good times so much more.

I truly do have the most amazing friends in the world. If I had never lived at the dorms at UNO, I never would have worked at Midtown, which is where I met my squaaaaad. My best friend never would have found a guy that makes her happier than I’ve ever seen her. I never would have left Midtown to work at the Alamo, where I’ve met so many more amazing people. This chain of events never fails to blow my mind.

I’ve come a long way in these past 10 months, and I never thought I would be where I am today. I am not the same person in many ways (which scares the hell out of me), but I feel like I’m changing for the better in many ways as well. It’s just nice to know that even when I’m at my lowest point, I can look back and think of the last time I was at my lowest point and remind myself that it really does get better. It might take a while, but it does.

PS- If anyone reading this is alive when I die, I want a choir to sing that song at my funeral.

Mistakes

Maybe this will make me sound a bit pretentious and like I’m trying to be wise beyond my years, but I’ve never seen the point of lingering in the past. Why dwell on something and feel remorse for something you no longer have any control over? You can’t change it, so why let it consume you?

I’m not by any means saying that I never think about things I said or did and wish I hadn’t said or done them, but I at least try my best not to let them overtake me. People make mistakes. People make stupid decisions that they end up regretting later. That’s just a basic fact of life. It can’t be predicted and it can’t be prevented, so why do we make it such a big deal?

Looking back on my life so far, I’m starting to realize that my mistakes happened for a reason. They shaped me into the person I am today, and I’m slowly beginning to accept that person. If I had never made those mistakes, a chain of events may not have happened and I may not be where I am today. It’s crazy to think about just how small you are in the universe, but it’s also crazy to think about just how much one person matters.

Never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. In that single moment, that step you took was in the right direction, and those words you spoke felt just right sliding off your tongue. If you’re constantly looking back, you’ll never be able to see all the good that’s right in front of you.  

Christmas Thoughts

Should we be taught to believe in Santa Claus as children? What does believing in Santa really mean? What does it say about our inner selves? These are all questions I’ve come to consider this holiday season.

I very much believed in Santa Claus when I was growing up. It’s not like my parents went to extremes to keep us believing, but they had us leave cookies and milk for Old Saint Nick and carrots and cheese for his reindeer. We even left our lights on on Christmas Eve so Santa could find our house.

For some parents, Santa is a good way to get their kids to behave. If they start to do something bad, parents can throw out the “if you’re a bad boy/girl, Santa will put you on the Naughty List, and you’ll get coal” excuse to get them to be good. 

On the other hand, believing in the man with the white beard, rosy cheeks, and big round belly inspires imagination in children. It reminds us of the endless possibilities in life. In a world consumed by consumerism, it's sometimes nice to be reminded of the childlike wonder we all once had. 

But what does believing in Santa Claus really say about us? To me, believing in Santa isn’t necessarily about believing in the idea of the man himself, but rather simply believing in something. In this day and age, we have become so distrusting and skeptical of one another and the world around us. We often forget that there is good in this world, we just have to look for and believe in it.

So when I am older and have kids of my own, I will tell them about the whimsical and jolly man who travels around the world to deliver presents to people of all ages. And as they get older and begin to question the concept, I will let the truth unfold. I will tell them that no, Santa is not real, but that doesn’t mean the spirit of Christmas isn’t to be celebrated all the same.