Grief is Complicated

The more death I experience in my life, the more difficult it becomes to deal with. I thought that as I got older, I would begin to understand grief and the grieving process more, but I am no closer to figuring it out now than when I was 12.

Death is one of those things that you don’t expect to happen to you. Death is something that happens to other people. In the beginning of my fiction studio this semester, my professor asked us if we remembered the moment when we finally realized our own mortality. As my classmates told stories of their childhoods, I racked my brain, trying to pick out a moment in my life where I truly understood that I will die someday. Three of my four grandparents died before I entered middle school, so it’s not like I had a shortage of death in my young life. But looking back, none of these deaths had the effect on me that my professor and classmates were describing.

That all changed on the morning of February 27, 2017.

When one of my good friends texted me telling me that my high school friend Tyler had died in a car accident the previous night, I thought it was a mistake. She must be talking about some other girl that I didn’t know. After the initial shock, I began to feel tears streaking down my face at a rapid pace. I remember being mad at myself because I had just put on my makeup for the day. I was confused as to why this was affecting me so deeply because I hadn’t seen Tyler in about 3 years.

But I think that just goes to show the type of person she was. I met Tyler Lin Cherrington in band during my sophomore year of high school (her freshman year). I don’t remember the first day I met her, or even my first impression of her, but I remember her spirit. There are too many words and not enough space in the world to describe Tyler. She was bubbly, confident, brave, bright, intelligent, funny, quirky, and kind, just to name a few. There was never a dull moment with her. At every band or theater party, you could always find her at the food table, grabbing the entire bag of chips and taking it to the couch with her. It’s a miracle she didn’t weigh 400 pounds based on how much she liked food. Whenever I passed her in the hallway or turned around to look at her in band, she would shoot me her signature double-chin look. She was the loudest quiet person I ever met.

Tyler had such a bright future ahead of her. She was the easiest person in the world to talk to because she was so accepting of everyone. She was friends with someone before I even had the chance to ask for their name. She’ll never get to graduate from college and pursue her dreams. She’ll never get to experience love and marriage and having children and buying a house and traveling the world. So much vibrant life, now gone.

Although I haven’t seen or even talked to Tyler in about 3 years, not a day goes by now that I don’t think about her. Losing her has left a hole in my heart. I aspire to be the kind, compassionate, carefree, and brave woman that she never failed to be. I see her in every ray of sunlight poking through the clouds, and my favorite elephant necklace has taken on a whole new meaning. I thank God for bringing her into my life, and I’m sorry I never got the chance to realize or tell her how much she means to me. I’ll always remember her shining spirit, and the memories we made will keep her alive in my heart, forever.

This loss of life made me realize that anyone could die any day. The girl I see every day on the shuttle, the guy I sit next to in class, my coworker, my best friend, and even me. I’m not saying that I now live in constant fear of losing someone I know at any given moment, but it’s definitely something I think about more often. If anything, this experience has taught me to cherish each moment I spend with someone and be completely open and honest with people, although I’m still working on that last part.

Lessons Learned From My Guitar

Since today marks the two year anniversary of the day I got my very first guitar, I decided to make a blog post about the lessons I’ve learned from this wonderful instrument.

Patience

Learning guitar is not easy, especially when you’re teaching yourself via YouTube and trial and error. When I first started out, I was so frustrated that I couldn’t stretch my fingers to make certain chords, and I didn’t feel like I was making any progress at all. However, once I learned a few chords and was able to play my first song (Introducing Me by Nick Jonas) and then eventually put out my first YouTube cover with my guitar (You Belong with Me by Taylor Swift), I started to think that maybe all this hard and frustrating work was worth something after all.

Commitment

Ask anyone who plays an instrument: If you’re going to learn how to play, you have to go all or nothing. I didn’t want my guitar to be something that sat in the corner of my bedroom collecting dust. I wanted it to become a part of me, and it has. My guitar has given me a new piece of my identity, another step closer to finding myself, all because I pushed myself to keep up with it. It’s hard to learn a lot when you have work, school, and the occasional social life, but I tell myself to at least pick it up and strum some chords for 10 or 15 minutes every day. After all, something is better than nothing.

Dreams

Learning to play guitar has only furthered my desire to become a professional musician. I am quite aware that it’s obviously not a practical career path, but everyone deserves to have a dream. I love music more than words could ever describe, and I want to use it to make people happy like so many artists have done for me. Look out world, these YouTube covers are just the beginning.

Self-image

For as long as I can remember, I have always been self-conscious of what others think of me. I’m often cautious in social situations, making sure that I don’t embarrass myself in any way. Ever since I started learning how to play guitar, I have been eager to show off my skills to others, especially through social media. I’ve been doing a lot more YouTube covers where I actually show my face, which was always something always I hated doing. I think it’s a good measure of my progress. I can see the way my hands move and if I’m developing the correct techniques. Looking back at all these videos, I can see my confidence slowly growing. I don’t have to look at the screen as much and can just focus on the music, letting the lyrics and chords flow through me.

I’m really proud of all the progress I’ve made, but this is not the end for me. I’m hoping to eventually take guitar lessons, and I actually just bought a ukulele today. My guitar has taught me so much about myself these past two years, especially in regards to what I’m capable of. Music has had such a profound effect on my life thus far, and being able to create my own music is the most rewarding feeling I could ever imagine. 

The Burden of Hope

When I was younger, I hated my name. I could never find it on gift shop key-chains, and I felt like it made me stick out like a sore thumb. I was too unique. I wanted to be like the Rachels and Katies in my class. I wanted someone to share a name with. As I’ve gotten older and experienced life a bit more, I’ve come to realize how silly the idea of hating my name is. I’ve started to think about what my name really means, and what that means for me.

The dictionary definition of the word hope is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.” In Old English, hope meant “confidence in the future.” For a long time, I’ve pondered what my name means to me, and I’m glad to finally be able to sit down and share it with people.

Because my name is also a word with a very powerful meaning, I feel like I have to carry the weight of its meaning. I feel like I have to be hopeful and optimistic and confident that good things will happen. But this isn’t always easy. To put it plainly, life sucks. Life kicks you down, and it’s not always easy to get back up again. However, as Hope, I feel like it is my responsibility to not only pick myself up, but to help others get back up as well.

That being said, I feel like I have quite the burden to carry. Now, you might be saying, a name is just a name; it doesn’t carry any physical weight to it. I read a blog once that said that “Names are more than a convenience allowing us to talk to each other. Names are a gift from God. They contain His power. They define things. They define us.” Names are representations and reflections of who we are. Without names, we would all be the same. In the Bible, Proverbs 22:1 says “A good name is more desirable than great riches.”

The name Hope is more than just a name to me. It’s a physical representation of who I am and what I stand for. While sometimes it may feel a bit overbearing to have a name with so much density to it, it also gives me a guide for how to live my life and how to present myself to the world. My name may be unique and a burden to carry, but I like to think of it more as a blessing in disguise, sent by God to push me in the right direction, the direction of hope.

Sources

Dictionary definition: https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=definition+of+hope

Name etymology: http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=hope

Blog post: https://blog.compassion.com/the-importance-of-names/

Limits and Capabilities

All month long, I’ve been thinking hard about what to write for this month’s blog post, and nothing was  coming to me naturally like it usually does. I didn’t want to write the cliché end-of-the-year-reflection post, but I wanted something to sort of wrap up my 2016. My friend Holly suggested that I just start writing about not being able to come up with something to write about and a topic would arise from my frustrated rant. She was right.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself this year, it’s what I am capable of and what my limits are. I tend to push myself to my limits, and often beyond them, which can be quite stressful. This year I pushed myself so far past my limits so many times, that I ended up discovering the toll my anxiety truly takes on me, such as these fun little things called panic attacks. From this, I learned that sometimes it’s okay to admit that I’m not okay and confide in others for help, even when it’s hard. When I feel as if I’m at my breaking point, I take a step back and a deep breath and let myself unwind with the help of friends, books, and video games.

On the flip side, sometimes I tend to hold myself back and not allow myself to reach my full potential. It’s simple: I don’t give myself enough credit. People have always told me that I can do anything I put my mind to, but I never really listened to them. This year I have learned that I am extremely independent, relentlessly determined (which often translates to stubbornness), and a lot more intelligent and creative than I give myself credit for. My professors these past two semesters have taught me that while my writing is not perfect (because there is no such thing as a “finished” piece) it is a good foundation to build off of. They have also taught me that if I want to write good stuff, I have to take the time to write good stuff and not procrastinate until the sun comes up on the due date. If I truly want to pursue a “writing career,” I have to get used to putting in the work required to “make it.”

That being said, I want to write a bit about where I stand as far as my writing is concerned. I have adopted a new love for poetry this year, reading and writing it. My poetry typically stems from a moment of overwhelming emotion, and when I’m writing it, I’m writing it for me, not for the purpose of publishing someday. This can be both good and bad. I become too attached to these poems and start to believe that they are perfect the way they are and don’t need any editing, but that’s just not realistic. No poem is perfect, and no poem is ever truly finished because every poem can benefit from improvements.

Another form of writing I have come to enjoy is memoirs and personal essays. Over the course of the last two semesters, I have read a lot of these types of writings, and it reminds me of these blog posts I write. I have a lot of fun writing these, and I’ve been thinking about putting them into a collection of sorts someday, perhaps for publication. I’m not sure how that will work out or if people will even care what I have to say, but it’s just a thought.

While 2016 was a rough year for me (and many celebrities as well), I can’t help but try and look on the bright side. I experienced many firsts this year, felt the devastating blow of a couple of heartbreaks, and finally figured out what it means to reach one’s full potential. Thanks for the inspiration 2016, but it’s time to say goodbye.

Dependence

People need other people.

It’s a simple fact of life, but in stressful times, it can’t be a hard concept to grasp. I recently read a book called If You Feel Too Much by Jamie Tworkowski (the founder of the organization To Write Love On Her Arms). The entire book is centered around depending on other people and letting other people depend on you.

In light of recent events, I wanted to share a few quotes from this book and expound upon them a bit. Hopefully they help.

“It is a choice to love people. It is a choice to be kind. It is a choice to be patient, to be honest, to live with grace. I would like to start making better choices.”

It is not always easy to be kind to people, especially if they have wronged you in some way. But we have to remember that everyone is fighting their own battles, and everyone is struggling in their own way. We have to be patient and understanding with one another in order to receive kindness in return.

“You will need other people, and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living breathing screaming invitation to believe better things.”

Sometimes we feel so lost and hopeless and we need someone to be there to hold us and pick up the pieces. But sometimes someone else needs us to do the same for them. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, and don’t be afraid to be the light in someone else’s life.

“Our job is to love people. When it hurts. When it’s awkward. When it’s uncool and embarrassing. Our job is to stand together, to carry the burdens of one another, and to meet one another in our questions.”

This quote feels especially important today of all days. People are afraid of this man that now has so much power over our great nation. People quite literally fear for their lives and want to run away. But we cannot let our fears control us. We have to stand together as a country, accept that this is the way it is now, and move forward. We have to unite in our differences and make this country a safe place for all to live.

And finally, I want to end by combining a few quotes that really hone in on the point I’m trying to make here.

“It’s easy to be a critic, easy to tear things down, easy to be blind. It’s a braver thing to build, to create, and to surprise. I know it feels important to spend a lot of time alone right now, but don’t forget to lean on people too. If your heart is broken, it’s okay to say your heart is broken. If you feel as if you feel too much, well then you are not alone.”

Life After College

Person: What’s your major?

Me: Creative writing.

Person: That’s cool! What are you going to do with that?

Me: I don’t know.

This is how the average conversation about my college career goes. When I say that I don’t know what I plan to do with my degree, people usually laugh uncomfortably as if they think I’m joking. The thing is, I’m not. I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do once I graduate college. That’s really scary.

I have big dream, which I’ve never told anyone before, so you heard it here first. I want to move to Austin, Texas because, though I’ve only been there once, I absolutely love that city with all my heart. I found myself very at home there. In order to pay the rent, I would get a job at an Alamo, just so I’m in a familiar environment and doing something I already know and am good at. Then I would start looking into jobs at publishing companies, newspapers, and other things within my field of study. I realize that Austin is a long ways away from my friends and family, but I honestly think I could do it. I’m a very independent person, and I can handle being alone for long periods of time. Plus, moving to a city where I know no one will force me to finally break out of my shell and try new things in order to meet people and expand my horizons. Besides, I probably won’t live there for that long; I’ve always envisioned my kids being raised in Nebraska. So that’s my big dream.

Realistically, I’ll probably continue to work a basic, minimum wage job, maybe get an internship with the Omaha World Herald if I can. I don’t really like journalistic writing that much, but I’m good at it, so why not. Since I’ll have time, I’ll write more poetry and work on one of the billions of stories I’ve started but never had time to finish over the years. Maybe I’ll finally get my inspiration for my first novel. I kind of want to be in charge of social media or web content or something at a company, but I’m not really sure how to get into that or if it’s even a real job. I just know it’s something I like and am good at.  

I used to think of “after college” and “when I graduate” as something far away in the future. But if I stay on track with my classes, that could be a year and a half from now. That’s not just really scary, that’s terrifying. But it’s also really exciting. I’ll be starting a new chapter of my life, one that doesn’t involve staying up until 2am writing a paper that I should have done earlier but didn’t because I decided to play video games or watch YouTube videos instead. While the future scares me a lot, I also can’t wait to see what’s in store for me next. 

Connected

Prepare yourselves for a very music lyric-heavy blog post (mostly twenty one pilots…okay, entirely twenty one pilots).

Sometimes it’s hard to get people to truly understand the way you feel. Emotions are often too complex to be fully comprehended. They aren’t one-dimensional, and they can’t be boiled down to one simple explanation. Twenty one pilots said, “A kitchen sink to you is not a kitchen sink to me.” Sad, angry, frustrated, happy, excited, nervous. All of these emotions mean something different to each individual person on this planet.

A lot of the time, we look for anchors to tie us down to our emotions, to make them easier for us to connect to and understand. One thing that many people attach themselves to is music. I’ve always had a love for music, but that love has spiked dramatically over the last two years. I’ve stopped caring about what other people think about my music taste. I no longer listen to songs or pretend to like certain artists just to impress people.

Instead, I now use music as a way to explain my emotions to others. Knowing that someone else felt the same way that I feel now and then felt compelled to write a song about it is an incredible feeling. Every once in a while, it’s nice to be reminded that we are not alone, and music does just that. “Shadows will scream that I’m alone, but I know we’ve made it this far, kid.”

One band in particular that has helped me ward off a few bad emotions is twenty one pilots. Josh Dun and Tyler Joseph have changed my life in more ways than I can count. Up until I discovered their little two-man band from Ohio, I had never felt such a strong connection to music before. I don’t just hear the lyrics, I feel them. “If it wasn’t for this music, I don’t know how I would’ve fought this.”

Their songs remind me that I am not alone. They have taught me to take my pain and channel it into something better, something bigger than myself. From them, I have learned that I am better than my anxiety, I just have to believe in myself. Tomorrow is a new day, so wake up, jump out of bed, and get going. “The sun will rise, and we will try again.”

I’m going to end with some lyrics from my favorite twenty one pilots song, hands down. I feel so powerful when I listen to this song, and hearing it live this past summer lit a fire deep within me. I can’t say these boys saved my life, but I can say that they have changed it for the better.  

“Fight it. Take the pain, ignite it. Tie a noose around your mind, loose enough to breathe fine and tie it, to a tree, tell it “You belong to me. This ain’t a noose this is a leash, and I have news for you, you must obey me.”