Mistakes

Maybe this will make me sound a bit pretentious and like I’m trying to be wise beyond my years, but I’ve never seen the point of lingering in the past. Why dwell on something and feel remorse for something you no longer have any control over? You can’t change it, so why let it consume you?

I’m not by any means saying that I never think about things I said or did and wish I hadn’t said or done them, but I at least try my best not to let them overtake me. People make mistakes. People make stupid decisions that they end up regretting later. That’s just a basic fact of life. It can’t be predicted and it can’t be prevented, so why do we make it such a big deal?

Looking back on my life so far, I’m starting to realize that my mistakes happened for a reason. They shaped me into the person I am today, and I’m slowly beginning to accept that person. If I had never made those mistakes, a chain of events may not have happened and I may not be where I am today. It’s crazy to think about just how small you are in the universe, but it’s also crazy to think about just how much one person matters.

Never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. In that single moment, that step you took was in the right direction, and those words you spoke felt just right sliding off your tongue. If you’re constantly looking back, you’ll never be able to see all the good that’s right in front of you.  

Christmas Thoughts

Should we be taught to believe in Santa Claus as children? What does believing in Santa really mean? What does it say about our inner selves? These are all questions I’ve come to consider this holiday season.

I very much believed in Santa Claus when I was growing up. It’s not like my parents went to extremes to keep us believing, but they had us leave cookies and milk for Old Saint Nick and carrots and cheese for his reindeer. We even left our lights on on Christmas Eve so Santa could find our house.

For some parents, Santa is a good way to get their kids to behave. If they start to do something bad, parents can throw out the “if you’re a bad boy/girl, Santa will put you on the Naughty List, and you’ll get coal” excuse to get them to be good. 

On the other hand, believing in the man with the white beard, rosy cheeks, and big round belly inspires imagination in children. It reminds us of the endless possibilities in life. In a world consumed by consumerism, it's sometimes nice to be reminded of the childlike wonder we all once had. 

But what does believing in Santa Claus really say about us? To me, believing in Santa isn’t necessarily about believing in the idea of the man himself, but rather simply believing in something. In this day and age, we have become so distrusting and skeptical of one another and the world around us. We often forget that there is good in this world, we just have to look for and believe in it.

So when I am older and have kids of my own, I will tell them about the whimsical and jolly man who travels around the world to deliver presents to people of all ages. And as they get older and begin to question the concept, I will let the truth unfold. I will tell them that no, Santa is not real, but that doesn’t mean the spirit of Christmas isn’t to be celebrated all the same. 

Nostalgia

I used to think that I was pathetic because of how much I missed the person I was in high school. Now I’m starting to learn that it is okay to be nostalgic for what once was. That being said, I must admit that I miss show choir a lot. There truly is nothing quite like it after high school. I just finished the series finale of Glee, and it really made me miss being up on stage and performing with my friends. The rush (no pun intended) that I felt up there was like nothing else I have ever experienced.

I’m beginning to realize that it’s not a bad thing to miss who I was, as long as I realize that the best truly is yet to come. There was a time before that amazing part of my life, and there will be an even more amazing time in my future. I might just be back in a lull right now, but sometimes you need the normal to really appreciate the extraordinary. Playing the waiting game won’t be easy, but if the results are anything like my show choir experience, it is well worth the wait.

And to all you high school show choir kids out there, enjoy this while it lasts. The long weekend rehearsals and all day competitions might seem daunting now, but you'll miss the smell of sweat and hairspray more than anything. It will fly by, so make it count. 

Worrier

I am a worrier. Always have been and probably always will be. When my roommate leaves when I’m not there, and doesn’t give me any indication of where she went, I can’t help but be concerned and curious. I am the type of person that greatly appreciates the, “I won’t be coming home tonight,” or “I went to a friend’s house for a bit,” texts. Otherwise I sit there worrying about you and what you’re doing and where you are and who you’re with.

All that being said, I think this shows the kind of parent I will be someday. I’ve always had this vision in my head of “the cool parent” and what that would be like. I want my kids to be able to talk to me about anything, and I want to be a good balance of strict and laid-back. But being the way that I am, I know in reality that I will be the parent that stays up late to make sure their kid gets home okay. I will want updates throughout the night if they go to someone’s house after a football game. I will want to meet their friends so I can judge their character. And even though this is not the vision I had for myself as a parent, I think I’m accepting the reality that I am who I am, and I can’t do much about that.

That’s the thing about people like me. We are anxious, worried, paranoid, and hesitant, but we care. Sometimes too much, and sometimes too fiercely. But we care.

Leaving My Legacy

As I reflect on the first days of my sophomore year of college, I can’t help but think about the future.

College truly is the time of your life where you figure out who you are and what you want to do. Honestly, I’m not sure what I want to do. I know my passions, but the job opportunities for them aren’t exactly “practical.” I know I want to help people, and I know I want to leave a lasting impact on the world. That last one may seem a bit too ambitious for a nineteen-year-old, but it’s honestly one of my fears. I’m afraid that when I die, no one will remember me. I want to leave a legacy behind.

I think that’s why I’m so attracted to writing. Written word is one of the few things that we can use to reveal a person’s emotions and personality after they’re gone. I want to write things that make people think and analyze their own lives. I want others to see how I feel and know that they are not alone. I truly do believe that words can change the world.

I realize that I went off on a bit of a tangent there. I guess my point is that I want to write because then, when I’m gone, my loved ones will have little pieces of me they can look back on. Hopefully the writings I leave behind can help my loved ones better cope with my death. I think some part of me will always want to be remembered in a grand way, but I’m slowly learning that that’s not the most important thing.

Paving the Path

I am not known to be spontaneous or adventurous. In fact, I am quite the opposite. I plan out every last detail of my days, and I never do things without thoroughly thinking them through first, especially if they involve money. 

Picture this. It's 1:30am and you and your best friend/roommate are sitting on your bed, scrolling through various social media sites. You happen to stumble upon a Tumblr post by bestselling author John Green about the upcoming Paper Towns movie tour in Indianapolis. "That would be fun to go to," you say. "Too bad it's tomorrow." Your best friend turns to you and says, "That would be fun to go to..." She's giving you the look. The one that says, "Come on, you know what I'm really saying." You remind her that you have work tomorrow and there's no way you can just up and leave like that. She argues that you're young and need to be adventurous for once. You sit there, silently taken aback by the fact that you're even considering such a thing. 1:30 turns into 2, and suddenly you're packing a bag and making a list while your friend takes a shower. You're going to Indianapolis.

This sounds totally crazy right? Believe it or not, it's completely true. My best friend Rachel and I decided to go to Indianapolis, Indiana at 2 o'clock in the morning on a Tuesday. My stomach was fluttering with nerves, but I also couldn't stop smiling with excitement. 

I'll spare you the details because it's a long story to tell. We got to listen to the author of the book, John Green, and two actors from the movie, Nat Wolff and Halston Sage, talk about the movie. We also got to see 20 minutes of the movie before anyone else. Nat and his brother Alex performed a few of their songs, which made me cry because their music is everything to me, We spent the rest of the evening wandering around downtown and eating at the Hard Rock Cafe.

When we got home, I didn't want to sleep because I was afraid I would wake up and it would have all been a dream. But that's the thing: it wasn't. It actually happened. We actually went 36+ hours without sleep and drove 18+ hours in a sparsely air conditioned car. We actually saw the coolest, funniest, and most authentic author we know. We actually did something risky and spontaneous for once in our godforsaken lives.

So if there's one thing I took away from this, it's that sometimes the best memories come from the things you don't plan. For all you planners out there like me, take a step back every once in a while. Instead of paving the path in front of you, let the path be paved for you. In the words of Ferris Bueller: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

A New Beginning

About a month ago, I began working at Marcus Midtown Cinema. I was extremely skeptical at first as far as if I was cut out for working in the food service, and I even seriously contemplated quitting after the first couple of weeks. I can now say that I couldn't be happier I stuck with it.

Along with the fact that the work is pretty easy, I really enjoy the people I work with. They treat me like an adult, which isn't something I get often, and I really appreciate it.

Unlike Hy-Vee where a bunch of people from my high school work, no one at the theater knew me when I started there. It was nice to have a clean slate to start with. I remember thinking, "This is it. I can be whoever I want because these people don't know anything about me." But after a little while, I realized the best person I can possibly be is me. So I gave it a shot, and it definitely paid off. Knowing that I can be completely myself around these people and they still want to hang out with me outside of work is a major blessing.

I know this all might sound a little lame and cheesy, but I appreciated the opportunity that this new job gave me. I can't wait to see what else it has in store for me, and I am so grateful for all the new friends I have made so far. New is scary, but it's well worth the risk. (: