Distance

I never imagined I would be in a distance relationship. It just never occurred to me that I would meet someone outside of Omaha because I spend all my time in Omaha. Granted, an hour (70 miles to be exact) is not that far, but when you’re also trying to work around each other’s busy schedules, it feels like half a world away.

Sometimes we are lucky and get to see each other twice a week, but sometimes we have to go almost two weeks without seeing each other. Sometimes I feel fine without him because I am too busy to dwell on his absence, but sometimes I miss him two seconds after we depart. Sometimes it feels like we live in two different worlds. I am here, and he is there, and the distance between us feels infinitely farther with each passing day. Because we’re constantly traveling back and forth, our relationship feels nomadic, as if we don’t really have a home.

Distance is especially hard when you’re still so early in the relationship. In the beginning, it felt like right as we started to make good progress, we had to be apart for a while. Time has become our enemy. We never feel like we have enough of it, and it’s always running out. Sometimes we can’t be together for reasons completely out of our control, like bad weather (winter is the worst). I envy people who get to see their significant other every day, or even every other day.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, it sucks.

But through all the scheduling conflicts, late nights travelling back and forth, and bad weather, we have somehow managed to make it work. In a lot of ways, the distance has made us stronger. When we’re finally able to be together, we cherish that time even more because it is so brief. We’ve been able to get to know each other in less conventional ways. The internet has really helped with that. We Snapchat constantly and talk in Discord whenever we need to hear each other’s voices.

It’s really, really hard, and it’s not going to get any easier, at least not for the next couple of years. But you know what keeps me going? The promise that someday it will be easier. Someday I’ll get to see him every day. I’ll get to wake up to his smiling face in the mornings and eat dinner with him every night. We’ll get to travel the world together and go to concerts together and never have to worry about running out of time.

So if you’re in a distance relationship, whether it’s across the state, across the country, or around the world, know that your pain is valid, your struggle is valid, and if you truly love them, it will always be worth it. As Jamie Tworkowski often says, love truly is the most powerful force on the planet.

Top Eight Albums 2018

This was really fun for me to write. I love music so much, and I definitely listened to a lot of it this year. I branched out and discovered a ton of new artists, but I also got to enjoy new music from artists I’ve always loved. So without further ado, here are 8 albums I listened to this year, along with a few words about them a couple of my favorite songs (in release date order).

1.     Good News- Rend Collective (January 19) – Up until a few months ago, I did not like Christian music at all. It was all just too corny and unoriginal for my taste. But Rend Collective changed things for me. I saw them live and really felt their energy and the presence of God in that place, and I haven’t stopped listening to them since. This album truly has changed my life.

a.      “Rescuer (Good News)” – This one is really fun to sing loudly to in the car. It has a great beat and an important message; God is for everyone, even those who doubt. Because of his love, we are saved and freed from sin.

b.     “Counting Every Blessing – Ukulele Session” – The original version of this song is good, but the ukulele version is even better. God is so good and gives us so many blessings in life. Through him, we have a bright and fulfilling future.

2.     Staying at Tamara’s- George Ezra (March 23) – This 25-year-old English singer-songwriter sings (in a uniquely beautiful deep, sultry voice) about love and the human experience in his second album (preceded by Wanted on Voyage which housed the hit single, “Budapest”).

a.      “All My Love” – This song really showcases his rich, deep vocals and has a beautiful message about loving someone with your whole heart.

b.     “Hold My Girl” – This touching ballad has a beautiful instrumental to back up Ezra’s message about opening up and trusting the one you love with your worries and pain.

3.     Voicenotes- Charlie Puth (May 11) – You know, I never really had an opinion about Charlie Puth, but then I listened to this album and fell in love. The man knows how to write catchy tunes that also have strong lyrics.

a.      “The Way I Am” – In this sassy, upbeat song, Puth sings about his struggle with making a name for himself in the music industry. He wants people to know that he has anxieties and insecurities as well, but he owns up to who he is and wants other people to do so too.

b.     “Change” – This collaboration with James Taylor is about striving for love and equality in a world that seems void of the desire to simply get along with one another.

4.     Magic- Ben Rector (June 22) – I had been anticipating this album for three years, and it did not disappoint. Following the success of his 2015 album Brand New, Ben is back with more perfect songs about love, friendship, and all the wonderful moments life has in store for us.

a.      “Extraordinary Magic” – This song sounds like something straight out of a Disney movie. It’s about seeing the beauty in someone you love, even when they are having a hard time seeing it themselves.

b.     ”Old Friends” – This one really gets me. I’m just going to leave you with the chorus. “Cause no one knows you like they know you, and no one probably ever will. You can grow up and make new ones, but truth is, there’s nothing like old friends. Cause you can’t make old friends.” I love my old friends.

5.     summer, EP- Jeremy Zucker (September 28) – I discovered Jeremy Zucker about halfway through the year, and I had the pleasure of seeing him perform live. He has such a genuine passion for music, and it really shows through this latest EP.

a.      “comethru” – With a simple finger-snapping beat and delicate falsetto, Zucker wrestles with the understanding that sometimes it’s ok to not be ok, and it’s ok to ask others for help.

b.     “thinking 2 much” – Following the same simple beat and tone of “comethru”, this song is about a relationship failing due to the fact that both people are overthinking things. This song also features the equally incredible artist, EDEN.

6.     Trench- twenty one pilots (October 5) – Probably the most anticipated album of the last few years, twenty one pilots came back stronger than ever with Trench. While I have to admit that, at first, I didn’t really understand this album’s deeper meaning, once I took the time to really listen to the lyrics, I fell in love with Josh and Tyler all over again.

a.      “Neon Gravestones” – This was my instant favorite of the whole album. I really encourage you to go read the lyrics while you listen to it. But to sum it up, this song is about suicide, a subject that has always been close to my heart.

b.     “My Blood” – This song is about staying by someone’s side and being the light in their darkest times.

7.     Mirror Master- Young the Giant (October 12) – I’ll be honest, I completely forgot this band existed. I think the only song I knew before this album was the iconic “Cough Syrup.” But wow, this album is pure perfection. Great energy, vulnerable lyrics, and well-rounded harmonies. It’s all about coming to terms with the person you see in the mirror and understanding that change must come from within.

a.      “Simplify” – This song starts out with a fierce, upbeat guitar solo that sets the fun, bouncy tone for the rest of the song. It’s about how even when life is hectic and complicated, when you stare into the eyes of the one you love, nothing else matters in that moment and all your worries fade away.

b.     “Darkest Shade of Blue” – This song is short but powerful. The backtrack is sort of ambient, and the vocals have an echo sound to them. It’s about being there for someone in their darkest, most anxious and depressed times, letting them know that they are not alone.

8.     Glory Sound Prep- Jon Bellion (November 9) – Jon Bellion does not hold back on this album. As he said in an interview, he wanted to experiment and take risks, do things his way, even if people may not like it. He touches on fame, faith, love, and humanity, among many other things.

a.      “Stupid Deep” – There aren’t a whole lot of lyrics in this song. He does verse 1, verse 2, and then repeats verse 1 twice more, with a growing intensity each time. As simple as this song is, however, it packs a powerful punch.

b.     “The Internet” – This song has what I will call a classic Jon Bellion beat and melody: catchy, jazzy, fun to sing along to. It’s about the difference between the way that people present themselves on social media versus the way their lives actually are.

Thankful

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Sometimes I’m too wrapped up in myself and my busy life to take the time to think about these things, but I promised myself I would slow down a bit today. Once I started this list, I couldn’t stop. I was amazed at how many things I came up with, both big and small. I could go on forever. It made me realize that even though life can be rough sometimes, I am very blessed and very loved. 

I am thankful for both of my jobs.

I am thankful for my awesome coworkers.

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for my growing relationship with God.

I am thankful for my amazing, dorky, supportive family. 

I am thankful for my friends, new and old.

I am thankful for the ability to travel.

I am thankful for being able to live on my own.

I am thankful for sunsets and sunrises.

I am thankful for music, video games, books, and movies.

I am thankful for my loving boyfriend and his family.

I am thankful for road trips and plane rides.

I am thankful for the way the sun shines through the trees in the evening.

I am thankful for live music/concerts.

I am thankful for Converse, skinny jeans, and big flannel shirts.

I am thankful for chocolate. All the chocolate.

I am thankful for fall and spring.

I am thankful for dogs, specifically my boy Sparky.

I am thankful for the Rooster Teeth community.

I am thankful for my internet friends.

I am thankful for Mac and cheese.

I am thankful for my church family.

I am thankful for the smell of freshly baked brownies.

I am thankful for a good night’s sleep.

I am thankful for Coca Cola.

I am thankful for hot showers and heated blankets.

I am thankful for The Office.

I am thankful for the beautiful mountains.

I am thankful for the Christmas season.

I am thankful for the bad days that seem like they will never end.

I am thankful for the days when I feel invincible.

And the list goes on and on. Whenever I’m feeling down or alone, I’m going to try my best to think back to this list and all the other things I have in my life that I probably take for granted. It truly is a wonderful life. 

Place

I’ve always been the type of person who is very attached to places. I’m not entirely sure why, but maybe I’ll figure that out as I write this.

Whenever I travel somewhere, I get pretty homesick for the first night or two. This has gotten less intense as I’ve gotten older and traveled more, but some small part of me always feels a tug toward home. As someone with anxiety, I thrive on familiarity, so when I take myself out of my familiar environment, I feel uncomfortable and stressed. But after a couple of days in a new place, I grow more comfortable and familiar and that anxious feeling fades until, eventually, I barely even think about home.

This especially true with Austin, Texas. I have been there twice now. The first time I went there, I cried on the first night because I was stressed trying to find my way around town, and I cried on my last night because I didn’t want to leave. After a few days there, it felt like home to me. It was even harder to leave the second time I visited, especially since I was leaving my new friends behind. I missed the adventure. I missed hugging my internet friends every time we saw each other. I missed being surrounded by thousands of people who liked the same things as me. 

But this isn’t just true with travel, of course. Just before I moved out of my house and into the dorms at UNO, I found myself going through all of the “lasts.” Last time waking up in my childhood bedroom. Last shower in my bathroom. Last meal. Now that I think about it, this was silly because the dorms were just temporary, but I didn’t know that at the time. When I was all moved in, I couldn’t sleep for the first couple of nights. That was the first time I had ever been away from home for more than just a vacation. I refrained from calling it home because it didn’t feel like it was. But eventually, I began to say, “my parents’ house” instead of “my house.” And when I moved out of the dorms and back home, I couldn’t sleep the first night because I felt homesick for my dorm. Even though it was temporary, it had become my home for the two years I was there. I missed 2am conversations and spontaneous dance parties with Rachel. I missed having a place where my friends and I could be independent. I experienced so many monumental life changes there, just as I had in my childhood home.

Now, I am all moved into my first apartment. While I felt sad and nostalgic during the weeks leading up to moving day, I didn’t cry, for whatever strange reason. I guess because it didn’t feel real to me. It wasn’t until my first night in my new place when it hit me. I cried a little bit, talked to friends, did some writing, and listened to music, trying to calm myself down. I missed my house. I missed my dog. I missed my brief, late night kitchen conversations with my brother while we both got snacks. I missed sitting on the back patio in the evenings, reading a book while the sun went down. I missed commentating on tacky HGTV shows with Mom while we shared mac and cheese. I missed everything that made a house a home.

But the next day, I unpacked more boxes and set up my room to my liking, and I began to feel a bit more comfortable in this unfamiliar place. And as I sit here writing this, I think I get it now. It’s not about where you are; it’s about who you are and who you’re with. I believe that I could stay anywhere in the world for a few days and be able to call it home, as long as I had myself and my friends and family close by or a phone call away. I wouldn’t be able to do life without them.

I’ll always refer to my parents’ house and Nebraska in general as home, but I’m starting to realize that home is not determined by a physical place. It’s wherever you make it and wherever you feel safe and loved by the people you care about.

Internet Friends are Real Friends Too

Disclaimer: This is a long one, folks, so strap in.

Let’s talk about internet friends.

In 2008, I joined a little website called Stardoll. It is an online fashion and social community where you can create your own avatar, compete in various fashion competitions, make friends, and so much more. I was twelve years old and for a while, I hid the account from my parents because I was afraid they wouldn’t let me have it because it involved talking to strangers on the internet. I was responsible with it, though; I never gave out any personal information.

About a year after I joined the site, I met a girl with the username jonasfan_smile. After a while, we exchanged first names. We chatted every time we were online together and bonded over our love of the Jonas Brothers. I didn’t know it was possible to feel such a strong connection to someone I had never even met. Skip forward a couple of years (maybe more, my memory is foggy) and we exchanged full names and sent each other friend requests on Facebook. Her name was Abby Johnston. After more talking, we exchanged phone numbers. I waited until I was home alone, called her up, and sat by my window so I could see when my parents came home. I was paranoid beyond belief and I hated that I went behind their backs, but I knew they wouldn’t understand. I could practically hear the conversation in my head. They would say she’s probably some forty-year-old predator living in his parent’s basement trying to kidnap young girls. But I knew this wasn’t the case. She was my friend. I knew her.

Fast forward to 2013. After much conversation, Abby and I agreed that it was time for us to meet in person. At this point, we had been Skpying and texting daily, and my parents knew about her (after much explanation). Sixteen-year-old me put together a PowerPoint presentation that laid out the details of my trip to South Carolina to meet my internet friend, prices and all (after all, I am my father’s daughter). I could tell they were very hesitant, and looking back on it from an adult perspective, I can see why. What parent in their right mind would send their teenage daughter halfway across the country for a week to stay with people she has never even met? I tried my best to make my case, to make them believe that I did know her. She wasn’t just my internet friend; she was my best friend. Ever. Period.

Eventually, they agreed to let me go, which I know couldn’t have been easy on their part. Summer rolled around, and I was finally on a plane. This was the second time I had ever flown and the first by myself. When I arrived at the Charlotte airport, my stomach was twisted into unbelievably tight knots. But that all disappeared when I saw Abby and her mom waiting for me by the luggage carousel. We hugged and laughed and took pictures, and I couldn’t believe that she was there, standing in front of me. Finally, after all those years of Stardoll messages and Skype calls, my best friend was standing right in front of me. I’ll never forget that feeling.

Fast forward to about 2015. I was living in the UNO dorms with Rachel. She played video games a lot, and eventually I got back into them too. I used to play shooters with my dad and brother, but I never got super into video games. She told me about a YouTube channel called Achievement Hunter, and I wasn’t sure how watching someone play video games could possibly be interesting, but after some coaxing, I gave it a try. And from that first video, my life changed.

From there, I got into Achievement Hunter’s parent channel, Rooster Teeth. When I say “got into” what I really mean is dove in head-first and haven’t come up for air since. Via the Rooster Teeth Facebook group, I joined a group chat of other fans. And that is where I met my new internet friends. Erin, Haydn, Holden, Justin, Taylor, Jose, Alex, and all my other RT Squad friends have given me so many laughs and virtual hugs over the past two years or so. We Snapchat each other daily, and a few of us are even meeting up at RTX Austin this year (Rooster Teeth’s annual internet/gaming convention). Even though I’ve never physically met them, these are my people. I know them. I know what jobs they have, who likes pineapple on their pizza, what kinds of games they like, what keeps them up at night, what fast food they get at 1am, and more.

Finally, around April of 2017, a young man named Alfredo Diaz made his first appearance in an Achievement Hunter video. From there, I found his Twitch channel and tuned into his streams every now and then. From the very first time I typed “Hi everyone” in the chat, I knew this was where I belonged. They paid attention to me. They cared about what I had to contribute, and that matters when you feel alone in the world.

I was invited to a group chat full of people from Alfredo’s community, and they welcomed me with open arms. I don’t remember what my life was like before I met Alli, Gill, Hawk, Will, Hanson, Lexie, Kate, Andrew, Vol, Dark, and everyone else in the Sauce Pot (or whatever the name was changed to this time). Even though the 217 messages can be a lot to catch up on sometimes, I enjoy every second with these people. We share our problems and offer sympathy and solutions. We gush about Achievement Hunter, k-pop, attractive celebrities, food, dogs and cats and birbs, and tacky memes. They make me laugh when happiness feels impossible. They are my family, as dysfunctional as we are, and I can’t imagine life without them now. Some of us are also meeting up at RTX this year, and I can’t wait to take selfies and make more memories.

So before you go judging someone for having “internet friends,” think about the way your “real life” friends make you feel: cared for, respected, loved. Internet friends are real friends too. They give you all that and so much more. They give you a place to be free to say how you feel without judgement, a platform to share your opinions or discuss the latest internet trend, and most importantly, just like the friends you see every day, they make you feel like you matter in this world. I think we could all use a bit of that these days.

Tyler: A One Year Reflection

How has it already been a year since we lost you? I remember that morning as vividly as if it were yesterday. I was about to leave for class when I got the text from my friend. I didn’t believe it. I know people say that all the time when they’re trying to deny something, but I literally didn’t believe it. My brain couldn’t even comprehend it. I read the text over a dozen or more times, and then it slowly started to register with me. I crumpled to the floor and barely felt it when the tears started streaming down my freshly made up face. Numb.

No matter how much grief I experience in my life, it never fails to surprise me. I hadn’t seen you since I graduated from high school, 3 years prior, but for some reason, losing you stung more than I thought it would. I guess it just goes to show that some people stick with you in ways that maybe you can’t even understand. I’m still trying to understand. 

As I reflect over this past year, I think about what it means to grieve someone over time. I’ve been through all five stages (although I think I’ll always be struggling with acceptance), so now what? 

I will cry today. There will be no shortage of tears shed, but I will also think about what you mean to me, what you stand for. You were kind, hilarious, cheerful, and passionate. You were one of the few people in life who wasn’t afraid to be herself. While these things are hard to be sometimes, I want to get better at embodying them. 

I haven’t told anyone this whole story yet, but part of the reason I got a daisy for my second tattoo this year is because it stands for cheerfulness, and it always reminds me of you.

So I guess when I say that I don’t know why losing you hit me as hard as it did, I’m lying to myself. I know why. You were all of those things that I aspire to be. You represent a positive part of my high school experience, a reason I can look back on those years with fondness. 

So thank you, Tyler. For being my band buddy. For being my inspiration. For being my daisy. 

Top Ten Albums of 2017

It was a very music-filled year for me, as pretty much every year is. So I figured why not create a list of all the albums I enjoyed listening to that were released this year. I’m awful at picking favorites, so these are just in release date order. Each one came to me at a different point in my life this year, and each one affected me in a unique way. So, without further ado, here are my top ten albums of 2017, along with two songs that stood out most on each album.

1.      Divide – Ed Sheeran (March 3)

·         What Do I Know? – about how music can change the world

·         Bibia Be Ye Ye – music video was made in Ghana featuring the happy residents

2.      Love Is Alive EP – Louis the Child (March 24)

·         World On Fire – about how the world covers up problems instead of facing them

·         Slow Down Love – awesome vocals and beat

3.      Memories…Do Not Open – The Chainsmokers (April 7)

·         The One – very relatable song about struggling to express emotions

·         My Type – about always falling for the same type of person

4.      Harry Styles – Harry Styles (May 12)

·         Carolina – really cool vibe, definitely more mature than One Direction

·         Sweet Creature – beautiful guitar and lyrics

5.      High Enough EP – Alexander Jean (June 26)

·         Fuck You No One Loves You Like Me – fun to sing loudly in the car

·         Wouldn’t Change Anything – beautiful harmonies from Mark Ballas and BC Jean

6.      The Storm – ZZ Ward (June 30)

·         Help Me Mama – shows off ZZ Ward’s unique vocals

·         Cannonball (ft. Fantastic Negrito) – great melody with gritty lyrics

7.      Younger Now – Miley Cyrus (Sept. 29)

·         Miss You So Much – about missing someone you see all the time

·         Rainbowland – fun duet with Dolly Parton, back to Miley’s country roots

8.      Tell Me You Love Me – Demi Lovato (Sept. 29)

·         You Don’t Do It For Me Anymore – Demi nails the cascading runs

·         Sexy Dirty Love – I just love the melody and descending half-steps

9.      Colors – Beck (Oct. 13)

·         Wow – odd at first listen but grew on me, fun to dance to

·         I’m So Free – makes me feel free

10.  Homework EP – Darren Criss (Dec. 15)

·         Going Nowhere – a happy-sounding sad song

·         I Don’t Mind – Darren’s first single in many many years, and he nailed it