Misplaced Passion

I recently re-watched the movie A Cinderella Story with Hilary Duff. It was one of my favorites growing up; I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve watched it. Anyway, there is a mantra that comes up throughout the movie, originally spoken by Babe Ruth: “Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.” This resonated with me as a kid, and it does even more so today.

I’ve always been more of a head-in-the-clouds kind of person. I’m very practical and rational and grounded, but when it comes to my future, I’ve always been a big dreamer. I had many things I aspired to be growing up including singer, dancer, teacher, mother, and most notably, writer. When I was younger I used to just write little stories for fun. I didn’t care if anyone liked them. I didn’t even care if anyone wanted to read them. I just wrote for me. It was fun. Then in high school, I took my first creative writing class, and while it was a bit more structured than my personal writing time, it allowed me to get actual feedback on my writing and learn how to make it better to read and more fun to write.

Then college happened. I decided to major in creative writing because I wasn’t really good at anything else. I had short stories due every week, and while most of the feedback I received from my classmates and professors was productive, some of it was hard to hear. I was offended when people didn’t like my characters or my voice. For so long, my writing had always been for my eyes only. I didn’t have to care about what other people thought. As long as I liked it, that was all that had mattered. But college hit me with the reality that if I really wanted to be a writer like I had always dreamed as a kid, I had to relinquish some of my control over my writing. It was really hard. My stories were my children, and I wasn’t ready to let them out into the world. But by the time my four years had come to a close, I was grateful for all the things I had learned, and I knew that I was a better writer because of the constructive criticism I had endured.

I graduated a little over a year ago, and not a day has gone by since that I haven’t thought about what I want to do with my life. I haven’t written any solid fiction since college; I just haven’t felt the drive to write. I feel like no matter what I write, it won’t be good enough to publish, so what’s the point? But today I realized that I’ve lost myself a bit. I’ve lost the love I had for writing for myself, for not caring what other people would think. I’ve been so focused on writing something for publication that I’ve lost my love for the art and beauty of it all. I’m letting the fear of striking out keep me from playing the game, and that’s not what a young Hope Schreiner would do.

I would absolutely love to find a full-time job doing something related to my degree, but I haven’t found anything that piques my interest yet. And you know what? I think that’s okay. I am young, I am passionate, and I am determined, so I have no doubt that I will do whatever it takes to find a career path that makes me happy. And until then, I will write.

Sparky

I had to say goodbye to my best friend today. Words cannot express how heavy my heart feels, but I know this is for the best. He is not in pain anymore, and he is up in doggie heaven chasing rabbits and eating lots and lots of grass.

Sparky went by many names around our house. Spark. Sparkles. Spooky. Pookie. Dog. I had many names for him as well. Lil’ Bean. Lil’ Nugget. Baby. Old Man. Cow (he ate a lot of grass). Kitty (he licked his paws like a cat grooming itself). Turd (he ate his own poop…). Lil’ Potato. Sweet Boy. Peanut. I always called him my best friend. Because he was. But it didn’t start out that way.

We got Sparky when he was really little, probably a few months old. I was about seven years old. He was a little firecracker, hence where the name Sparky came from. Being the anxious child that I was, I hated him. He had too much energy for my liking, so I avoided him at all costs. We kept him penned up in the kitchen, and if I wanted to play in the backyard, he had to be chained up to the fence. I was absolutely terrified of that little dog. While this fear gradually decreased over time, it wasn’t until maybe middle school that I started to feel comfortable around him.

As I entered into my angsty teenage years, I found comfort in going on walks to quiet my sad or nervous thoughts; so naturally, I would take Sparky with me. All the way through high school, we went on a walk nearly every day after school. Sometimes we would just go the park and sit on the merry-go-round (he was not too fond of this, but he put up with it as long as we didn’t spin too much). Sometimes one of my friends would join us. I worked on training him to not bark so wildly at other dogs, and he taught me that sometimes a good walk can do wonders for the mind.

He was a great listener. Even though it often seemed like he barely tolerated my constant physical affection, I always felt better after cuddling with him on the kitchen floor for a while. If I was ever home alone, I would let him out of the kitchen and bring him into my room to hang out for a bit, feeling rebellious. I spent more time with that dog than any human. He was there through every boy who broke my heart, every family death, every time I felt insecure or unsure of what to do in a situation. We became inseparable.

I know people will say, “He’s just a dog. It’s not like you’re losing a family member.” But I strongly disagree. Sparky was as much a part of my family as anyone. He was with us for almost seventeen years. Seventeen years of long walks, tearing up Dad’s yard by eating grass, countless caught rabbits, struggling to take baths, barely tolerating hugs and kisses from me, and so much love. I bought him treats on his birthday and kissed his little head every night before I went to sleep. I could sit here for hours, telling you all kinds of stories about him.

Even though I knew it was coming for a while now, saying goodbye to Sparky is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I will miss my pupper more than anything. Nothing can replace the bond we shared. He taught me how to love someone with your whole heart and soul, and I will always be grateful for that. He taught me that I can overcome even my biggest fears. Thank you for everything, Sparky.

Love

Yes, this is a blog post about Valentine’s Day. But before you roll your eyes and scroll past this, hear me out. I want to talk about love, but not just romantic love. In fact, I want to talk about anything but romantic love.

For many years, I had always disliked Valentine’s Day. To me, it was a reminder of how miserably alone I was while everyone else was totally in love. It never failed to make me feel completely and utterly hopeless when it came to relationships. But now that I have found love, I can finally see Valentine’s Day for what I believe it is truly meant to be.

There are many different kinds of love besides romantic. First, there is family love. I have been blessed with an amazing, albeit unique and quirky, family. Sometimes I feel like I am nothing like them, but then I am reminded of how alike we all really are. They don’t even have to say it; I know they love me with all of their hearts. We are bonded together by blood, but it’s a bond that goes beyond obligation. We have each other’s backs, in good times and bad. That is love.

Then there is friend love. My friends. Where do I even begin? From new ones to old, I truly believe I have the best of the best. Friends are the family you get to choose, but I don’t think I could have picked them out if I tried. God brought these people into my life, and I can’t thank Him enough for that. I can lean on them in times of struggle and laugh with them in times of happiness. I would be nothing without these people. That is love.

Next up is God’s love. 2018 was the year I discovered my faith again. Since about August, I have been working on rebuilding my relationship with God. It’s been a bit rocky over the past few years, but if there’s one thing I learned in these last 6 months, it’s that even though I feel as if I have strayed from God, He has always been right there. He has seen me at my worst and still chooses to love me. That is love.

Last but certainly not least, there is self-love. This is the hardest one in my opinion, and definitely the one I’ve struggled with the most. It is easy to look in the mirror and point out our flaws, but I challenge you to wake up each day and think of what you like most about yourself, internally or externally. It is truly life changing. Surround yourself with people who build you up and make you a better person, a person you can be proud to be. You can’t love others until you love yourself. It’s cheesy but all too true. Once you learn to love and value yourself, you will see the beauty in yourself that others have always seen. That is love.

So before you go moping around this Valentine’s Day, think about all of the love in your life besides romantic love. You probably have a lot more to be grateful for than you think. Love is the strongest emotion and the most sought after. You are so loved, in more ways than you probably know. Hold onto that feeling, and spread it around for all to experience.

“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another.” –Thomas Merton

Distance

I never imagined I would be in a distance relationship. It just never occurred to me that I would meet someone outside of Omaha because I spend all my time in Omaha. Granted, an hour (70 miles to be exact) is not that far, but when you’re also trying to work around each other’s busy schedules, it feels like half a world away.

Sometimes we are lucky and get to see each other twice a week, but sometimes we have to go almost two weeks without seeing each other. Sometimes I feel fine without him because I am too busy to dwell on his absence, but sometimes I miss him two seconds after we depart. Sometimes it feels like we live in two different worlds. I am here, and he is there, and the distance between us feels infinitely farther with each passing day. Because we’re constantly traveling back and forth, our relationship feels nomadic, as if we don’t really have a home.

Distance is especially hard when you’re still so early in the relationship. In the beginning, it felt like right as we started to make good progress, we had to be apart for a while. Time has become our enemy. We never feel like we have enough of it, and it’s always running out. Sometimes we can’t be together for reasons completely out of our control, like bad weather (winter is the worst). I envy people who get to see their significant other every day, or even every other day.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, it sucks.

But through all the scheduling conflicts, late nights travelling back and forth, and bad weather, we have somehow managed to make it work. In a lot of ways, the distance has made us stronger. When we’re finally able to be together, we cherish that time even more because it is so brief. We’ve been able to get to know each other in less conventional ways. The internet has really helped with that. We Snapchat constantly and talk in Discord whenever we need to hear each other’s voices.

It’s really, really hard, and it’s not going to get any easier, at least not for the next couple of years. But you know what keeps me going? The promise that someday it will be easier. Someday I’ll get to see him every day. I’ll get to wake up to his smiling face in the mornings and eat dinner with him every night. We’ll get to travel the world together and go to concerts together and never have to worry about running out of time.

So if you’re in a distance relationship, whether it’s across the state, across the country, or around the world, know that your pain is valid, your struggle is valid, and if you truly love them, it will always be worth it. As Jamie Tworkowski often says, love truly is the most powerful force on the planet.

Top Eight Albums 2018

This was really fun for me to write. I love music so much, and I definitely listened to a lot of it this year. I branched out and discovered a ton of new artists, but I also got to enjoy new music from artists I’ve always loved. So without further ado, here are 8 albums I listened to this year, along with a few words about them a couple of my favorite songs (in release date order).

1.     Good News- Rend Collective (January 19) – Up until a few months ago, I did not like Christian music at all. It was all just too corny and unoriginal for my taste. But Rend Collective changed things for me. I saw them live and really felt their energy and the presence of God in that place, and I haven’t stopped listening to them since. This album truly has changed my life.

a.      “Rescuer (Good News)” – This one is really fun to sing loudly to in the car. It has a great beat and an important message; God is for everyone, even those who doubt. Because of his love, we are saved and freed from sin.

b.     “Counting Every Blessing – Ukulele Session” – The original version of this song is good, but the ukulele version is even better. God is so good and gives us so many blessings in life. Through him, we have a bright and fulfilling future.

2.     Staying at Tamara’s- George Ezra (March 23) – This 25-year-old English singer-songwriter sings (in a uniquely beautiful deep, sultry voice) about love and the human experience in his second album (preceded by Wanted on Voyage which housed the hit single, “Budapest”).

a.      “All My Love” – This song really showcases his rich, deep vocals and has a beautiful message about loving someone with your whole heart.

b.     “Hold My Girl” – This touching ballad has a beautiful instrumental to back up Ezra’s message about opening up and trusting the one you love with your worries and pain.

3.     Voicenotes- Charlie Puth (May 11) – You know, I never really had an opinion about Charlie Puth, but then I listened to this album and fell in love. The man knows how to write catchy tunes that also have strong lyrics.

a.      “The Way I Am” – In this sassy, upbeat song, Puth sings about his struggle with making a name for himself in the music industry. He wants people to know that he has anxieties and insecurities as well, but he owns up to who he is and wants other people to do so too.

b.     “Change” – This collaboration with James Taylor is about striving for love and equality in a world that seems void of the desire to simply get along with one another.

4.     Magic- Ben Rector (June 22) – I had been anticipating this album for three years, and it did not disappoint. Following the success of his 2015 album Brand New, Ben is back with more perfect songs about love, friendship, and all the wonderful moments life has in store for us.

a.      “Extraordinary Magic” – This song sounds like something straight out of a Disney movie. It’s about seeing the beauty in someone you love, even when they are having a hard time seeing it themselves.

b.     ”Old Friends” – This one really gets me. I’m just going to leave you with the chorus. “Cause no one knows you like they know you, and no one probably ever will. You can grow up and make new ones, but truth is, there’s nothing like old friends. Cause you can’t make old friends.” I love my old friends.

5.     summer, EP- Jeremy Zucker (September 28) – I discovered Jeremy Zucker about halfway through the year, and I had the pleasure of seeing him perform live. He has such a genuine passion for music, and it really shows through this latest EP.

a.      “comethru” – With a simple finger-snapping beat and delicate falsetto, Zucker wrestles with the understanding that sometimes it’s ok to not be ok, and it’s ok to ask others for help.

b.     “thinking 2 much” – Following the same simple beat and tone of “comethru”, this song is about a relationship failing due to the fact that both people are overthinking things. This song also features the equally incredible artist, EDEN.

6.     Trench- twenty one pilots (October 5) – Probably the most anticipated album of the last few years, twenty one pilots came back stronger than ever with Trench. While I have to admit that, at first, I didn’t really understand this album’s deeper meaning, once I took the time to really listen to the lyrics, I fell in love with Josh and Tyler all over again.

a.      “Neon Gravestones” – This was my instant favorite of the whole album. I really encourage you to go read the lyrics while you listen to it. But to sum it up, this song is about suicide, a subject that has always been close to my heart.

b.     “My Blood” – This song is about staying by someone’s side and being the light in their darkest times.

7.     Mirror Master- Young the Giant (October 12) – I’ll be honest, I completely forgot this band existed. I think the only song I knew before this album was the iconic “Cough Syrup.” But wow, this album is pure perfection. Great energy, vulnerable lyrics, and well-rounded harmonies. It’s all about coming to terms with the person you see in the mirror and understanding that change must come from within.

a.      “Simplify” – This song starts out with a fierce, upbeat guitar solo that sets the fun, bouncy tone for the rest of the song. It’s about how even when life is hectic and complicated, when you stare into the eyes of the one you love, nothing else matters in that moment and all your worries fade away.

b.     “Darkest Shade of Blue” – This song is short but powerful. The backtrack is sort of ambient, and the vocals have an echo sound to them. It’s about being there for someone in their darkest, most anxious and depressed times, letting them know that they are not alone.

8.     Glory Sound Prep- Jon Bellion (November 9) – Jon Bellion does not hold back on this album. As he said in an interview, he wanted to experiment and take risks, do things his way, even if people may not like it. He touches on fame, faith, love, and humanity, among many other things.

a.      “Stupid Deep” – There aren’t a whole lot of lyrics in this song. He does verse 1, verse 2, and then repeats verse 1 twice more, with a growing intensity each time. As simple as this song is, however, it packs a powerful punch.

b.     “The Internet” – This song has what I will call a classic Jon Bellion beat and melody: catchy, jazzy, fun to sing along to. It’s about the difference between the way that people present themselves on social media versus the way their lives actually are.

Thankful

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Sometimes I’m too wrapped up in myself and my busy life to take the time to think about these things, but I promised myself I would slow down a bit today. Once I started this list, I couldn’t stop. I was amazed at how many things I came up with, both big and small. I could go on forever. It made me realize that even though life can be rough sometimes, I am very blessed and very loved. 

I am thankful for both of my jobs.

I am thankful for my awesome coworkers.

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for my growing relationship with God.

I am thankful for my amazing, dorky, supportive family. 

I am thankful for my friends, new and old.

I am thankful for the ability to travel.

I am thankful for being able to live on my own.

I am thankful for sunsets and sunrises.

I am thankful for music, video games, books, and movies.

I am thankful for my loving boyfriend and his family.

I am thankful for road trips and plane rides.

I am thankful for the way the sun shines through the trees in the evening.

I am thankful for live music/concerts.

I am thankful for Converse, skinny jeans, and big flannel shirts.

I am thankful for chocolate. All the chocolate.

I am thankful for fall and spring.

I am thankful for dogs, specifically my boy Sparky.

I am thankful for the Rooster Teeth community.

I am thankful for my internet friends.

I am thankful for Mac and cheese.

I am thankful for my church family.

I am thankful for the smell of freshly baked brownies.

I am thankful for a good night’s sleep.

I am thankful for Coca Cola.

I am thankful for hot showers and heated blankets.

I am thankful for The Office.

I am thankful for the beautiful mountains.

I am thankful for the Christmas season.

I am thankful for the bad days that seem like they will never end.

I am thankful for the days when I feel invincible.

And the list goes on and on. Whenever I’m feeling down or alone, I’m going to try my best to think back to this list and all the other things I have in my life that I probably take for granted. It truly is a wonderful life. 

Place

I’ve always been the type of person who is very attached to places. I’m not entirely sure why, but maybe I’ll figure that out as I write this.

Whenever I travel somewhere, I get pretty homesick for the first night or two. This has gotten less intense as I’ve gotten older and traveled more, but some small part of me always feels a tug toward home. As someone with anxiety, I thrive on familiarity, so when I take myself out of my familiar environment, I feel uncomfortable and stressed. But after a couple of days in a new place, I grow more comfortable and familiar and that anxious feeling fades until, eventually, I barely even think about home.

This especially true with Austin, Texas. I have been there twice now. The first time I went there, I cried on the first night because I was stressed trying to find my way around town, and I cried on my last night because I didn’t want to leave. After a few days there, it felt like home to me. It was even harder to leave the second time I visited, especially since I was leaving my new friends behind. I missed the adventure. I missed hugging my internet friends every time we saw each other. I missed being surrounded by thousands of people who liked the same things as me. 

But this isn’t just true with travel, of course. Just before I moved out of my house and into the dorms at UNO, I found myself going through all of the “lasts.” Last time waking up in my childhood bedroom. Last shower in my bathroom. Last meal. Now that I think about it, this was silly because the dorms were just temporary, but I didn’t know that at the time. When I was all moved in, I couldn’t sleep for the first couple of nights. That was the first time I had ever been away from home for more than just a vacation. I refrained from calling it home because it didn’t feel like it was. But eventually, I began to say, “my parents’ house” instead of “my house.” And when I moved out of the dorms and back home, I couldn’t sleep the first night because I felt homesick for my dorm. Even though it was temporary, it had become my home for the two years I was there. I missed 2am conversations and spontaneous dance parties with Rachel. I missed having a place where my friends and I could be independent. I experienced so many monumental life changes there, just as I had in my childhood home.

Now, I am all moved into my first apartment. While I felt sad and nostalgic during the weeks leading up to moving day, I didn’t cry, for whatever strange reason. I guess because it didn’t feel real to me. It wasn’t until my first night in my new place when it hit me. I cried a little bit, talked to friends, did some writing, and listened to music, trying to calm myself down. I missed my house. I missed my dog. I missed my brief, late night kitchen conversations with my brother while we both got snacks. I missed sitting on the back patio in the evenings, reading a book while the sun went down. I missed commentating on tacky HGTV shows with Mom while we shared mac and cheese. I missed everything that made a house a home.

But the next day, I unpacked more boxes and set up my room to my liking, and I began to feel a bit more comfortable in this unfamiliar place. And as I sit here writing this, I think I get it now. It’s not about where you are; it’s about who you are and who you’re with. I believe that I could stay anywhere in the world for a few days and be able to call it home, as long as I had myself and my friends and family close by or a phone call away. I wouldn’t be able to do life without them.

I’ll always refer to my parents’ house and Nebraska in general as home, but I’m starting to realize that home is not determined by a physical place. It’s wherever you make it and wherever you feel safe and loved by the people you care about.