Rebuilding Faith

I’ve written and rewritten this blog post so many times over the last year or so. I’ve never been able to find the right words to describe my faith, but now I’m realizing that maybe I never truly had the words until now.

I’ve always been a Christian. I was baptized as a baby, went through Sunday school, vacation Bible school, Confirmation, and senior high youth group. But I never truly made the decision to pursue a relationship with God until around August of 2018.

My boyfriend Dalton took me to this thing at Concordia University in Seward called Praise. It’s basically a mini church service led by students. We sing some songs, hear a message from a student, and have designated prayer time. I was a bit hesitant to go, but I kept an open mind, and I am so glad I did. One of the first songs we sang was my solo song from church, “What a Beautiful Name.” In that moment, I felt God’s presence for the first time in many years. I knew that I was in the right place with the right people, doing exactly what I was destined to do.

I will admit, I’ve fallen off the wagon a few times since them. It’s easy to forget about God when your life is so busy. It’s easy to convince yourself that you don’t need Him, that you can do it without Him. But that’s so not true. On the days when I feel like nothing can cheer me up, when it feels like my life is not even worth it, that’s when He shows Himself to me the most. I want to be angry with Him for making me feel that way, for bringing such heartache into my life, but in those moments, God says, “I am here. Talk to me. Let me in.” And even thought it hurts like hell, even though I want nothing more than to push Him away and continue to dwell on my pain, I pray. I open up to Him. It’s in those moments that I can feel Him with me. It’s in those moments that I weep, and God weeps with me.

A couple of months ago, I learned about a little group called The Devoted Co. (TDC) through a friend’s Instagram. I heard that they are a group of women gathering every other week to worship Jesus and support each other. When I went for the first time, I was a giant ball of anxiety. I knew no one there, and I was terrified to meet new people. But God met me in that place and gave me the courage to open up to those ladies. I haven’t been the same since.

Most people don’t understand why people have faith. They wonder how we can believe in something we can’t even see. But what they might not understand is that we can see God. We see Him in the sun peeking over the horizon in the mornings. We see Him in the love of a parent or friend or significant other. We see Him in the perfect song coming on the radio when you need it most. God shows Himself to us all the time, in numerous ways; we just have to be open to seeing those things as God’s blessings.

But to have faith, you can’t just have it when the miracles happen. You have to have it when they don’t, as well. In times of grief or struggle, it can be hard to see God’s presence. We are blinded by our heartache and cannot see that it is all part of God’s plan. Everything happens because God makes it so. From the second we are born, He knows every sin we will commit, every lie we will tell, every heartbreak we will suffer. But if we stay strong in our faith, He will reward us with the greatest blessing of all: a ticket up to heaven to meet with Him and be with our loved ones again.

Rebuilding my faith has not been an easy journey, and I don’t think it ever will be, but so far it has been 100% worth it. My relationship with Dalton is built on faith, and I think that is one of the big reasons why we have such a strong connection. I am far from where I want to be, but in the last year or so, God has shown me how loved I am and how important it is to spread that love to others. I am excited to continue to grow in my faith and share my transformation story with others.